Bona Fides

It's really great having an intelligent father you can go to for sage advice, until he tells you what you don't want to hear. That's where I've been lately, in that awkward place where what you need to hear collides with what you don't want to hear.

Last week I was in the midst of a good old fashioned pity party, doubting decisions I had made, because things hadn't turned out as I expected quite yet. The problem is that I know where I am, and I know roughly where I'm going to end up, I just can't figure out how to bridge that gap.

In the midst of calling myself everything from stupid to selfish, dad cut me off. He said, "you are earning your 'bona fides'. Old cops used to say rookies were 'earning their bones'." Of course I gave him a death glare because that cleared up nothing other than a rough reference to the term "bona fide". He went on to explain that this simply meant you have to pay your dues first, and once you've done that, it can't be said that you were handed anything.

Of course I had to do some research and surprise, surprise, pappy was right on his definition. "Bona Fides" comes from a Latin phrase. It means "information that establishes a person’s reputation or credentials." "Bona Fide", without an "s" was at one point a legal term meaning "without fraud". (grammarist.com) Basically, earning your "bone fides" means establishing credentials to prove you are the real deal.

So why the need for the grammar lesson? I have to believe I'm not the only minister who has felt this way. I can't be the only one who has looked around at my present situation and said "how am I any good to anyone? How could this be part of the plan that God called me too?" I know I'm not, because I've watched multitudes of young preachers quit the race because halfway through earning their bones they couldn't see what was going on.

I'm gonna blame this, in part, on the way we were taught the most basic bible stories. We were taught that if God called you to something He would place you right in immediately, you would see fruit of your labor, and be fulfilled in every way. We were taught the "instant gratification gospel". We were told that God took David from the fields, he somehow defeated a giant, and rose to fame. We were told that Moses went from stutterer to revered leader over night. And we were told that Abraham became the "father of many nations"simply because God's favor was on him.

Here's the problem, all these men "earned their bones". David earned his by killing bear and lion. Moses earned his by listening to God even when it meant being mocked and repeatedly turned down by Pharaoh and criticized by the very people he was trying to lead to freedom. Abraham earned his by a series of events in which he followed the leading of the Lord in everything from leaving his homeland and family to nearly slaughtering his son. In fact, in the case of Isaac, the bible plainly states that God was "tempting" Abraham when He demanded Isaac's life be sacrificed (Genesis 22:1).

Yes, God could take you from obscurity and place you on a world stage without all the proving ground in the middle, but He won't. The reason is simple: He loves you too much to set you up like that. In these times of trouble and confusion, take heart! He is letting you earn your Bona Fides now so that when bigger things come down the road you can point the haters back to these moments and say "God trained me on the lion so I could face the giants!"

What if David had let his fear keep him from defeating the lion and bear? What if he said "clearly God isn't on my side because I have to face these terrifying situations"? The course of scripture would have been altered. Don't fear the proving ground. Don't doubt what you face today, you are just earning your bones!

How I Know

This week brought the tragic news of the suicide of American comedic legend Robin Williams. Following the announcement of his death came a near immediate public debate on how we as a culture and as the Church view the act of suicide. I was so bothered by some of the commentary I saw (from multiple sources) referring to suicide as a "brave" or "strong" act committed by people who simply could not carry on that I wrote a response on my Facebook page.

This was the post as it appeared on my personal page:

"I'm extremely bothered by the commentary that suicide is either brave or a means to find peace. When someone's mind is so mixed up that they would consider ending their life, they last thing they need is a cheering section making suicide a viable option. I know, I've been in that place before. I've been the one who was used up and thrown aside, ready to get out of the pain anyway possible. We have no control over where the deceased ended up, but we can do something about making sure others aren't encouraged to join them before their time."

As happens far too often, people saw my words and read into it what they wished. They created an entire dialog that didn't exist, filling my page with the words they thought I would say instead of what was actually said. I was met with implications that I lack compassion and add to the "stigma" of mental illness, that I was anti-treatment, and that I was judgmental of the spiritual state of those struggling with illness. Clearly, none of these things were a part of my comments. I want to clarify here, at length, my intentions and why I feel the way I do about the subjects of depression and suicide.

Until this week, I had not shared publicly my experience with depression or thoughts of ending my life, but in light of the battle I saw going on, I felt impressed to come forward.

I have talked openly about my experience of being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. I have told of how my self-esteem plummeted, culminating in an eating disorder. I have even talked about how I was so low that I lost faith in the very existence of God. What I haven't talked about was the day I decided it just wasn't worth the pain anymore.

One afternoon, while home alone, I saw that none of my plans would work out. I was sure that I had a long, lonely life ahead and couldn't stand the thought of that. The easiest solution came with a bottle of prescription pain killers I had been given by a doctor. I took so many pills that I started vomiting uncontrollably. I remember lying on the bathroom floor, all alone. I remember thinking "I'd rather die alone now than live alone for the rest of my life." I still remember the cold bathroom tiles against my face, because that feeling was the only way I knew I was still alive. I was totally detached from what was going on.

I looked up through the bathroom door and saw a photo of my parents. In a brief moment of clarity, I thought of what it would do to them if they found me. So I peeled myself off the floor and decided to drive until I found somewhere to crash my car. "Surely it will hurt them less if it looks like an accident", I thought. In the middle of all of this, it was a very sad thought that sent me back home-"if I die, no one would come to my funeral." I had a vision of my family grieving alone over my body and no one there to comfort them. Even in my distress, I loved them and I didn't want them to hurt. They had been good to me. They had done nothing wrong to cause what was happening.

I returned home and told no one what I had done. I lied about what happened to the pills to cover my tracks.

I share this not to be controversial or edgy. I am sure some will write and say I should have stayed quiet. But I share it to let you know I do get it. I understand what it is to have NO HOPE. This is the reason I can't be quiet while some laud the decision to commit this heinous act or act as though it's a reasonable means to find peace.

There is nothing peaceful about suicide.

Lying on that floor my mind swirled over the twenty something years that had proceeded. My mind ached as I thought of missed opportunities and squandered time. I lay there feeling like I was being stabbed all over my body as the method I thought would be peaceful turned on me. How could something that breaks God's heart be peaceful? And what could break His heart like one of His children feeling like they just couldn't carry on?

This is what upset me about blogs and postings I saw. The concept that peace can be found is ludicrous. I suppose that platitude is supposed to be used to help mourners cope, but we have to realize who is watching. I was told that people in that state of mind don't care what others say, but if that were true then why do we read constantly of young people attempting suicide because "someone on Facebook said I should"?  I assure you, if I had been told by people I respected or my own family that it "takes a lot of strength to do this", the vision that sent me home wouldn't have looked the same.

I am not judge. I have said repeatedly (though it was often ignored) that I can't know what happens to the soul of a man who kills himself. To say that I do is to say that I fully understand grace, and I'm never going to claim that. I can't see that God would hold someone accountable for an act committed when they were not in a stable mindset. But because I don't know, that gives me even more drive to make sure nothing I say could be misconstrued as support of the decision. I make the comments I do because I love souls, even those that are tortured. I don't want even one to think that I support my walking this planet without them.

This is my prayer and my purpose in anything I have written on the subject: that we as the Church could find a way to have enough compassion and love that we learn how to just "be there" for those who hurt. That we would have honest and open dialogue. That people who are sick and struggling like I was (I never missed a church service, by the way, and no one knew what was going on) would feel comfortable enough to tell the truth about what they are going through and that we would help however we can, whether it be through prayer, support, or even helping to find help in the psychiatric community.

I pray most of all, that we would think before we speak, regardless of our position. I pray that we would neither encourage permanent choices nor condemn those admitting to such thoughts. I pray that we would encourage those who hurt that the strongest decision they could make is to keep getting up every day, pressing on believing that the best is yet to come!

Control

Growing up in a Pentecostal church, moves of the Holy Spirit were not foreign to me. It was not uncommon to be in a service in which men and women spoke in other tongues nor was it odd for those tongues to be interpreted via the same Spirit. I watched young and old alike leap, dance, or even spin under His control.

I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit at youth camp when I was 10 years old. I had been seeking for some time this gift that I was told would give me power and boldness to live for Jesus, something that I knew I needed even at a young age. In the 18 years since that initial outpouring I have realized what makes this experience so unique. Speaking in tongues was not about what is said or done. It is about relinquishing total control to God. Yes, seeking the Spirit is about receiving boldness to be His witness, but it is also about handing ourselves over to whatever He has. It is saying, "I give You control over what I say, what I do, and where I go."

I attended a Christian university for one semester when I was 18. We were required to attend chapel services twice a week. During one of these services, a popular preacher brought a sermon on the Holy Spirit. During her "altar call" she instructed all those who had not spoken in tongues to come forward. On her count, all those who had gathered were to begin moving their mouths and forcing out random noises-she called this "speaking in tongues". Those who did not do so to her liking were subjected to the speaker moving their jaws up and down for them. This was the first time I encountered this type of instruction on the Spirit, but it was not the last.

Recently, I have become troubled as I hear of this type of teaching being thrust upon our young people. I know of popular preachers and youth gatherings that lure teens and collegiate age participants, leading them to believe there is a true working of the Spirit happening, but when they arrive, it is nothing more than a conjured up spell being cast on our most influential.

The unfortunate truth is that these kids don't know what a real move of the Spirit is. They haven't seen real out poutings in their local churches brought on by prayer and fasting, so they buy into this idea that He will fall on them if they just work something up. They are raised only on stories of how God used to move, so when they find someone full of charisma and a room of people speaking gibberish, they think "this must be what the old people talk about!" They have confused an alluring message with an anointed speaker. They have traded revival for riotous events that are no more spiritual than going to a concert.

Let me make this clear: you cannot be taught, prodded, or coerced into speaking in tongues. These efforts all point to man being in control of what comes out of your mouth. The moment man is in control, God is no longer in control. If God isn't in control, then it is not His Spirit speaking.

Acts 2, which gives an account of the first outpouring of the Holy Spirit makes it clear that they "began to speak in other tongues, as the SPIRIT gave them utterance." (v. 4 KJV, emphasis mine) They did not begin speaking on their own accord. No disciple stood up and said, "when I count to three start moving your mouths."

Why do I care so much? Because my heart breaks as I watch young men and women I know have a calling on their lives buy into a counterfeit doctrine. I see them not seeking the true Spirit because they accept an exciting movement in His place. I see them travel long distances to hear falsehoods taught, come home claiming to be filled with a new anointing, and never live a different life. They come back just as depressed, just as bound, just as empty as they were before, except now they have a false sense of security about their walk.

It is my prayer that we would see a true revival in our local churches, so that our youth and children would know what a real move of God looks like. I want them to see men and women weep in the presence of God. I want them to see miracles. I want them to see houses of prayer, in which the Spirit comes not by fog, lights, or loud music, but by an earnest invitation and desperation of the congregation. They have to know what a true move looks like or they will continue to be deceived, and if they don't have the power of the Spirit in these last days, I don't know how they will survive.

Andy's Story Part 2

This is Part 2 of a story I began last week. If you have not already done so, please read Part 1 Here.

After Andy left the group of young witches he was a part of, the spiritual warfare around him got out of control. To understand this, you have to know a few things about those who are drawn into witchcraft and demonic activities.

One of the biggest lures of these groups is that they mimic a family. Much like what you hear of gangs, cults target the disenfranchised and lonely and make them believe they are welcomed into a brotherhood that will never abandon them. They stick to you like glue-until you choose to leave. These people can't allow former members to get out because they have too much information and leave the group vulnerable to exposure. For this reason, when someone leaves, they begin to send spirits to the defector. The other thing you should know is that those involved in witchcraft don't view demons as inherently evil. They believe you can use demons to do your bidding, thus the demons are on your side-except when they are used against you.

When Andy left, the spirits he trusted to help him suddenly attacked him. He began having nightmares in which spirits would drag him across floors. He dreamt about committing evil acts. In his waking hours, he began seeing demons in his home and wherever he went. He was scared and alone. This carried on for some time. He continued cutting as a means of distraction. What he did not realize, what many do not realize, is that cutting is a predominant form of sacrifice to the spirits that were plaguing him. The demons that oppressed him did what demons do best, they worked to destroy God's creation.

Eventually, to use his words, he "got tired of hurting and being in pain." He had been invited to a local church and in an act of desperation, walked in to a Sunday night prayer service. Once he arrived he told God, "if You are real, then You have to prove it to me." When the pastor asked if anyone needed special prayer Andy stepped forward. Andy began to ask God to take away the pain, that was the last thing Andy remembers that night.

I would like to say that was the end of the story, that he found peace and the spirits stayed away, but the door he opened had more consequences. Although he continued to see demons, he was able to resist them and was unafraid.

As the years passed, he never told anyone about his former life. He carried the secret about the molestation, he carried the shame of his experience with witchcraft, he carried the frightening truth of what he saw around him. Eventually, he confided in me the things no one knew. He decided to tell my parents, because they had more understanding of these issues than most and were able to offer counsel.

Throughout our courtship and leading up to our wedding he seemed spiritually strong, although there were moments when we had to refocus. A few months into marriage I started to notice slow changes in his walk. I kept asking questions about where he was in his relationship with Christ, but he either became defensive or hid the truth from me. Although I could discern something was happening, I didn't know what was going on.

Internally Andy was struggling with feelings of abandonment by those he was supposed to be close to. People who had said they would always love him and be there for him seemed to have gone away. These feelings bred bitterness in his heart and that bitterness led to anger. Andy soon found that Ephesians 4 is true, anger gives a "foothold" to the devil.

Slowly, old thoughts began to return, in his weakness he once again heard voices telling him that if he just gave himself over, he could be strong. I can't over emphasize this, it was a slow fade. As is always the case, the devil creeps in quietly, little by little and before you know it, he has you.

Andy would close his eyes and begin to envision the spirits entering his body.

I didn't know the seriousness of what was going on until one Wednesday night returning from church. Andy started arguing with me over nothing. Then he started accusing me of saying things I had never said. This all makes sense now, because the devil is the accuser, but at the time I was totally confused. We walked in the door and went to separate rooms. Soon enough he came storming out of his room and approached me as I lie on the couch. He stared at me, about a foot from my face and said, "they say I have to put a spell on you now." Now, if anyone else said that I would have just looked at them as if they were crazy, but I knew he was serious. It was like a dark cloud had suddenly formed in the room. I could feel a shift in the atmosphere.

This is where I need you to trust me. I know this part sounds crazy, but I need you to realize that I am a very rational, realistic person. I don't go around making everything spiritual. I don't call every bad thing an attack of the devil. It takes A LOT for me to give the devil credit for something, but this happened exactly as I am telling it.

I sat up and asked him "what did you just say?" He again told me his plan. Without a thought, in one motion, as if not in my own control, my hand landed on his head and he landed on the floor. I began to pray. His eyes rolled back and his voice went to an octave I have never heard before. The demon began speaking, sometimes in words I understood, sometimes in demonic tongues. Whatever was speaking through him made it clear that it hated me. It began to speak against me, claiming that I was weak and it would destroy me. I spoke to the spirit commanding it to come out in Jesus's name. Andy's body became stiff as he screamed as if in pain over and over again as I placed my bible on top of him. The Holy Spirit rose up within me. It didn't like that at all. As I prayed in tongues he screamed louder and louder trying to drown me out as I called on the name of the Lord.

There I was, newly married, watching a literal war go on in the body and soul of the man I loved. After some time he let out a massive yell that I was sure would prompt our neighbors to call the police. Suddenly, frantically, his eyes began searching the room and he came back to me. We prayed together for Jesus to once again be the Lord of his life, to forgive him of the sins and thoughts that allowed this to happen, and to break the chains that kept him bound to his former practices.

Andy doesn't remember what he said or did that night. The only thing he remembers is watching something leave our apartment and our final prayer together.

I know that this raises a lot of questions. The most obvious is how was he possessed if he had gotten saved? The answer is uncomfortable. No, I don't believe a Christian can be possessed. They can be under oppression and influence, but light and dark can't exist together. The truth is that the anger that was allowed to grow in his heart overtook his relationship with Christ and left a gaping whole for the devil to enter. The second question will come from those who had heard me speak well of Andy in this time. I'm sure to some it seems like I was lying about him being a good husband and friend. Maybe this is one of those "love covers a multitude of sins" things. I don't hold him responsible for the things he said or did during this time period because it wasn't really him speaking. I know the real Andy always loved me. He was absolutely wrong to allow the devil in, but at the end of the day I pledged to love him no matter what and loving him meant not backing down and letting the devil have him.

This experience is the reason I sometimes come across as hard on certain issues. This is the reason I can't be okay with demonic themed films (once you've lived it, you really don't want to watch it). This is the reason I won't turn a blind eye to young people listening to music that endorses demonic themes. This is the reason I can't just call self-mutilators "attention seekers".

Those doors he opened in his teen years still cause problems. Just last month, while I was at camp, he saw one of his former friends from the "church" at a local shopping area. The young man saw him from across the street and began screaming that Andy was a "traitor". There are still times when he sees something that reminds him of those days and we have to pray for the Lord to guard his heart and mind. And yes, there are times when he sees spirits around us. It is not a life easy to escape.

Again, it is my prayer that all who read this understand that we shared all this (even very embarrassing parts) as a way to open the eyes of those dabbling with anything to do with the enemy. He is still seeking whom he may destroy. He is working in ways we don't always see. We must always be on guard and we must be prepared to fight his attacks.

I love my husband. I will continue to stand by him and fight for him, as he does for me. I believe God has a tremendous purpose for him that is yet to be realized and that all this will be used to the glory of God. No matter where you are or what you have been through, whether by your choice or actions thrust upon you, God is not finished with you yet. His plan surpasses anything we can think or deserve.

Andy's Story Part 1

From time to time I have (with permission) shared the testimonies of loved ones in an order to offer hope for others I know are struggling with similar situations. A few months ago, my husband asked me to do something I hadn't expected. He asked that I join his story to list of others I had shared. As he has traveled with me and seen the bondage so many are in, he has had an urging to share where he came from in order to warn others of the destruction they are playing with and to share the good news that there is hope, regardless of the darkness of your present situation. It took this long to write it because it is a testimony that contains sensitive and at times controversial material. I wanted to be sure, above all, that the message conveyed was not one of victimization or glory to anything other than the transformative power of God. With that in mind, I present Andy's story.

When asked what my favorite thing is about Andy, my answer is always the same, "it's his kind heart." He has always been kind, gentle, forgiving, and loving towards me-even when I did not deserve it. In this way, our relationship has taught me new dimensions of the love God has for me, for it is truly a Godly love that is in his heart. I share about his goodness in order to explain how unbelievable his former life was, and to tell how God can truly transform every part of us.

During our engagement Andy told me a secret that no one in the world knew. As a young child, he had been molested by another boy in his neighborhood. Andy had forgiven this boy and understood that he had more than likely been molested himself. But even though he had forgiven him, the thought of the events never went away. The actions of this child planted seeds of doubt and weakness in Andy's mind.

As Andy grew up, he seemed to always find himself in trouble. Diagnosed with ADD and being dragged from doctors to psychologists who never got to the root of it all left him feeling worthless.  The options were either to stay on medications that left him like a zombie or drop them all and deal with his disorder. Maybe if they had known what had happened, they would have realized he was actually quite smart and was always active because he needed to distract his mind from the constant battle.

Kids who are labeled with ADHD are often made to feel like a nuisance. They are told they are stupid, crazy, lazy, and have no prospects for the future. That's where Andy was. Those seeds of powerlessness planted by the boy who took advantage of him were watered and tended to by adults and other children who made him feel weak with their words and actions.

Around the age of 12 Andy began self-mutilation. He started cutting his body, sometimes in obvious spots, sometimes in hidden areas, initially as a means of getting attention from those he thought didn't notice him. This plan did nothing but leave him with scars still visible over a decade later, but never ended his suffering.

As he grew older, he began searching for new ways to numb his pain. He did what many abused do, he turned to alcohol and drugs. To most on the outside this seemed like normal teenage rebellion, but in Andy's case it was fueled by something deeper. He wasn't smoking marijuana or drinking because he perceived it as "cool", he did it because anything that dulled his senses was better than the daily torment of wondering if he could have done more to stop the detestable actions that were committed against him.

This habit of self medication led to a feeling that life was meaningless. He became what most considered a "thrill-seeker", pulling crazy stunts like jumping off bridges into rather shallow waters below. What the outsiders didn't know was that this wasn't just about an adrenaline rush. He had no desire to live. It wasn't that he was trying to kill himself, he just didn't care if that was what happened.

He had decided that no one would ever want a "broken" soul like him. No girl would ever choose to marry him, let alone raise a family with him. Being made to feel "stupid" and incapable of any real academic or career success, he really had nothing to look forward to. He knew he had a lonely, empty life ahead, and saw no reason to delay death.

At the age of 18 he was introduced to the darkest and admittedly hardest part to understand of his story. He discovered that a friend was heavily involved in witchcraft and began to inquire as to the practice. His friend knew how to draw in this lonely, powerless boy, he told Andy how through witchcraft and the assistance of the demons they invite he could feel ultimate power.

I can't stress this part enough-Andy turned to the practice because long before he was made to feel powerless. Every time he thought of the acts perpetuated by the young boy, every time someone called him "dumb", every time his best efforts weren't good enough, all that fueled his decision to find something to make him feel "big".

Andy still remembers his first visit to one of the gatherings. As he entered the room, he found the windows covered in black sheets, the only illumination coming from candles, in an effort to give demons the darkness they craved. The walls and floors were covered in drawings. There was a table containing machetes, knives, and a skull. The group of about 15 young people were chanting and singing what seemed to be tribal music.

Andy's friend wanted to invoke a demon that night. He stood in the center of the room as the others gathered around smoking cigars and marijuana (a common practice to invite spirits). As he invited the demons to enter, those around him began to make sacrifices. Some were killing small animals and offering their blood to the spirits. Others began to cut and offer their own blood. It was during this that Andy watched his friend's wish be granted: he became possessed. His young friend began contorting and screaming in demonic tongues.

Andy remained in the group for about nine months. In that time, he started moving up the ladder. He proved himself enough to be called a low-ranking warlock. With this distinction came the ability to cast spells and use spirits to see the inner thoughts of those he wanted to target. The object of his obsession quickly became Christians. He hated Christians. Andy was raised not only in a Christian home, but in a missionary house. He knew about God. He knew that God allegedly loved people, but all he could do was hate God for all the pain he had faced and if you are going to hate God then you have to hate this claiming to be like Him.

The deeper he got into the cult, the more spirits would visit him, especially in his dreams. He left because the spirits he had come to trust began to threaten him. They told him that they would take him to hell. He knew enough to be scared. With this decision to turn away came new demonic attacks as witches began casting spells and sending demons to him even at great distances.

It seemed there was no escape...


Stay tuned for part 2 of Andy's story, coming soon.

Marriage Part 2: When the Party's Over

My last posting was a lament regarding the current view of engagement for most young women in America. Faced with the awesome privilege and responsibility of matrimony, many young people view it as nothing more than an opportunity for a party. They spend months planning for one day, giving very little thought to what happens when that day is over. But eventually, the honeymoon period does end. At this point we watch young marriages disintegrate in the harsh light of marital day. It is with that in mind that I try and open the eyes of my young friends looking to marry.

The Tiara Comes Off

The worst part of any party, no matter how long you've planned or how great the event was, is that eventually you have to clean up. Perhaps the biggest mess created by making a wedding into a party is that you spend months being the center of the universe only to discover when it's over, you are just like everyone else. Throughout my engagement I heard an odd statement that I could never fully grasp, "this is about you, you need to be selfish right now." This was uttered with the best of intentions as people wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams and wanted me to feel okay about making demands. The problem with this mentality is that it doesn't match up with an event that is lauded as a celebration of love. If a wedding is about love then you can't be selfish in planning because love is NEVER selfish.

Nothing says "it's my day" more than the importance placed on the walk down the aisle. The first thing I knew in planning my wedding was that I wanted my close friend, Glynis, to sing "At Last" as I entered the sanctuary. And she did it to perfection. As I planned I could just imagine the doors flying open, the light shimmering behind me, and several hundreds of people looking at me. That is pretty much how it happened, although when the doors opened I immediately locked eyes with my groom and didn't notice those around me. The truth is, it's a nice thought that you would have the room captivated even if just for a moment. Everyone should get to experience that.

But that's not what it's about. That walk should be about more than attention, it should be about a passage into a new stage of life. It's about leaving your old life behind and placing your trust in your spouse to meet your meets. Yep, that moment is nice, but if you spend your engagement believing the world revolves around you, you are in for a dizzying realization the next week when you suddenly have to care more for your spouse's needs than your own. My advice is this: learn sacrificial love (not just compromising love) during your engagement. Don't put it off until "your day" is gone. Get the practice in now, because you won't be the princess at the center of the ball forever.

Vows Aren't Just Words

Although many young couples are now creating their own vows, most still contain something similar to the standard "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". Those words seem like an easy thing to commit to in the planning process. I mean, if all it takes to get some fancy wedding photos to show off is to recite after a preacher, why wouldn't you agree? But there is a reason for that promise. You probably will have days when the money runs out (particularly if you break the bank to make your Pinterest wedding dreams come true). It's a lot harder to view your husband as your knight in shining armor in those moments. You probably will have days when you have more than you do right now. In those moments you have use wisdom and cooperation to do the right thing.

You agree to sickness and health because those are inevitabilities. You say, "Lindsey, I love my boyfriend. I would stay with him through anything; cancer, disability, death." That's admirable. That should be expected from someone vowing a lifetime to another. But what if it is a mental illness you have to deal with? What if it isn't a matter of your sweet spouse being physically incapable, but rather of him falling to pieces mentally, to the point that he is a different person entirely. What happens then?

The Man of the House

One of the hardest things for me in marriage is a struggle I imagine to be common for many young American women heading into marriage. I got married at age 27. I was strong and independent. I have been able to take care of myself for some time now and had no interest in allowing a man to "take care of me." Here's the problem: God created men as our protector and provider. Men have an innate need to fulfill this role. I find myself having to step back often and give my husband the liberty to do just that. Yes, I could meet the needs on my own, but that would be destructive to us as a couple because it would be destructive to his psyche. I urge my young female friends to allow the Lord to check you on this one. I am by no means endorsing allowing a man to walk on you or saying you don't stand up for yourself. I am merely saying we have to realize how this affects men and allow them to realize the position God created them for in your family.

You Aren't Committing To Your Spouse

This one seems odd. With all the talk about marriage being about your spouse and the commitment to once another, you may be confused by my statement. Your vows are not just a pledge to your spouse, they are a pledge to God. You are telling Him that you respect His institution of marriage. This matters because a pledge to man is easily broken, pledges to God are not. Marriage is not a contract in the eyes of your state, it is a contract between both parties and God. Marriage isn't about being with the one you love. It's not about meeting all their needs. Yes, you will learn to put them first because that's what love does-it prefers others. But those are side effects. Marriage and family is about being an expression of God's love here on earth. In a time when vows mean so little, the church has an obligation to prove that there is such a thing as selflessness.

So after reading this you may be thinking, "wow! Lindsey must really hate married life." Far from it! I love the fact that God gave me a partner to cling to. I love that He gave me a kind, loving, supportive husband to be there through all the ups and downs. I love that our love has shown me new depths of God's love. I love that I get to be a part of something as sacred as marriage. But I don't want to sit by quietly and watch any more young friends walk blindly into the institution without realizing what they are getting into. Marriage is beautiful and sacred. Don't make God the first thing in your relationship, make Him the only and you will have a beautiful life ahead.

Marriage Part 1: It's My Party

When a young woman thinks about getting married, lots of things could rush through her mind. She could think about building a life with the man she has chosen. She could think about having children and raising them in a home of her own. She could even think about growing old with her husband. But these aren't the things she probably does think about. Marriage to most young women isn't about what happens after "I do", it is about the wedding. Just think about how sad that is. When faced with the chance to be a part of a sacred institution, a chance to realize new dimensions of who God created them to be, young women say, "that's an okay bonus, but what I'm excited about is a party where I get to wear a princess gown and tiara."

HOSTAGE DEMANDS

 The first hints that a woman has her priorities confused comes well before the ring. When I was single (in a previous relationship), I definitely upped the pressure on my partner every time another girl got engaged. Watching quasi-friends get engaged led to jealous comments like "what's so special about her?" and "that ring is so tacky" Along with these embarrassing thoughts came desperation for answers to questions like "why did she deserve it and I didn't?" When these comments became part of my stream of consciousness, I proved exactly why I wasn't ready. I didn't care about building a life with a man I loved. I didn't care about filling our hallway with photos of kids and grandkids, I cared about filling my Facebook with humble brag photos of my ring, strategically photographed so as to make it glimmer and flaunt the size without being obvious. You know, like this gem:

(*face palms self)

Proposal obsessed girls often share an interesting pastime: creating hostage demand lists. A quick Pinterest search for "proposal rules" reveals the prevalence of this trend.

What's funny is that when girls initially started posting these plans, their were only maybe 3 request, there are now near-pages of what is expected. The reason is simply this: it's not enough to have a good proposal, it has to be better than everyone else's.

Here is a real example found during a search:

Let me say, I fully believe in number 1, not because it's romantic, but because it is respectful. God trusted my father to take care of me growing up, and he deserved a chance to give his input. Now for another confession: I asked for almost all these things for my proposal, and I got them all. Yes, it was nice, but it really didn't matter. Once I saw Andy and knew what was going on I went temporarily deaf and couldn't hear any of it anyway. 

The point is this: you can't compare your relationship to anyone else's. If you have truly placed your relationship and future in the hands of God, then you have to trust that if He wanted you to have the type of proposal your friend had, then He would have placed you in the same type of relationship as her. God is not Henry Ford. He doesn't work on an assembly line, He is a customizer. When you allow Him to, He creates the love story specific to you, not comparable to anything or anyone. And when you realize that, you no longer care how your story stacks up in the twitter sphere. 

PUT [THE RIGHT] RING ON IT

When I was younger I came up with what I thought was the best litmus test to prove I had the right guy. I figured if he was the right one, then he would get me the right ring. If he showed up with the wrong size or shape diamond, clearly he didn't know me well enough for me to pledge my life to him. 

This was one of the most ignorant things I have ever thought up (and we all know I've had my share of moronic thoughts.) I get it from a practical side, you have to wear this thing the rest of your life, you want it to look good, but obsession with the ring is perhaps the biggest sign of priority confusion. There's no way around it, it's materialistic and not the way to start out a new life together. 

Of all the things you will learn about men once you are married, very high on that list is that men need to feel like a strong provider. How do you think it makes him feel to know he can't get what you demand? I've even heard the theory that the quality of the ring represents how good of a provider he will be, thus if a man buys you a more reasonably priced ring, he will take better care of you. To that I say, "the devil is a lie." What is more important: providing a huge rock, or providing stability by using wisdom? Don't be confused or led astray by the trappings of this world. The measure of a good man is built on his ability to lead you into God's purpose, not his ability to max out a credit card. Just ask yourself, is the perfect ring worth putting your husband into debt? (*hint: his credit will soon be your problem as well) 

IT'S MY PARTY 

When you get engaged you are immediately expected to get your plans together. Whether your engagement is 2 months or a year, planning consumes your life. After all, this is YOUR big day. I had a fabulous wedding, mainly because my mother worked on it everyday. I got engaged the weekend before Christmas and married at the end of the following August, and she literally did something everyday in between. 

The problem with most engaged couples is that they are so consumed in planning the party that they take no time to prepare for what happens afterwards. Who has time to discuss minor issues like if you will have kids or how you will discipline them when there are pressing matters like what color napkins you will order? No one wants to discuss their debt or how they can tackle it while charging thousands of dollars for a honeymoon-it's just a mood killer. This is why I 100% believe that ALL couples need to go through pre-marital counseling. It ended up being one of my favorite parts of wedding preparation. Yes, it was uncomfortable at times, but it was absolutely necessary.

Getting lost in all the wedding planning is almost an inevitable struggle for the engaged couple, but if the full focus is on the party and not the marriage, you have a serious problem on your hands. I assure you, marriage is NOT a party. Yes, there are amazing aspects to marriage done the right way, but soon you will find that the world no longer revolves around you and your happiness. Sorry, but at some point, you have to take the tiara off and go back to the real world. 

In your zeal to get down the aisle don't forget that proposals aren't about demands and marriages aren't about partying. Getting married may be a milestone, but marriage isn't. It is one of the deepest, most difficult commitments you will ever make. It is a promise not just to your spouse, but to God, and thus should never be entered into for any reason other than to bring glory to God. If your focus is on the ring, the proposal, or the party, you just aren't ready.

Stay tuned for part two: when the party is over