The PK Prayer Part: 2

A while back I shared a portion of my prayer for the children of pastors in a blog entitled, The PK Prayer Part: 1. Life got in the way and my blog has been dormant on my end. This week, however, I felt an unrelenting need to revisit the topic and post the second portion of the prayer.

In Part 1,  I discussed the major hurdles we in the parsonage must over come-the hurts, the disappointments, and the bitterness that creeps into our all too often hardened hearts. I now want to share what I pray will be released into the hearts and lives of our PKs:

An eagerness to stand on your giant's shoulders

Early in my ministry I fought an unfair bias based on my name. Whenever I got invitations to preach I heard that it was because of my father's success, and that the opportunities would dry up after people heard me preach. It didn't matter that I gave up everything and went to churches no one else wanted to visit, for those who wanted to discredit me, my genealogy was an arrow to launch. It made me so uncomfortable that I figured I had to distance myself from my family to prove I could do it on my own.

That thought process shifted with the encouragement of 2 pastors. The first said it this way, "God decides which family to put you in. He made you the daughter of a great minister on purpose. If it gives you an advantage, then take it, because God gave you that advantage. In the Bible kings begat kings, and it was all in God's plan." The second pastor told me, "God places spiritual giants in your life so that you can climb atop their shoulders and see farther than they did; so that you can have greater vision than they imagined. Whether your giant is a mentor or your father, don't be scared to stand on his shoulders."

That perspective changed my mind about everything. I stopped trying to distance myself and started leaning in to my father's wisdom and knowledge. I pray that you will do the same. Within the four walls of your house is the greatest resource possible to help you grow in your walk with Jesus. Even if you don't feel called into ministry, utilize your parent/pastor as your personal bible scholar. God placed you in that family for a reason. Don't shy away, embrace the gift God has given you.

A desire to grow where you are planted

In speaking with PKs I hear a common frustration. They feel "stuck" in their church. It's one thing for the pastor to feel he has been led to a congregation, it's another for a child or teenager to echo this sentiment. I grew up in an era in which pastors were moved often. Just when a family got settled in, the call would come that the pastor's services were needed elsewhere, and the family would pull up the shallow roots they knew and start over again. Often this meant going to a church with few young people and being forced to pretend like you were totally happy about it.

I've gained a strong radar for faux-glee in the pastoral family. And I'm sorry to say I see it more often than not.

For some families, a decision will be made to allow the children to attend another fellowship. That is a decision to be made within the family and is no one else's business. You know what you need and as long as it's the best decision for your soul, I'm not going to try and discourage you. If a pastor gains the world but his child's soul is lost, nothing else matters.

However...

It is my prayer that more families work together in ministry and not go in separate directions for church. It is my prayer that you find a way to elevate the work your parents are doing. My prayer is that instead of looking around and deciding the situation is dead, you begin to speak life over the church God has led your entire family to. No, you won't always be thrilled. I wasn't always happy, but  I was always where God wanted me. I pray that you will learn to be satisfied in the Will of God and where He has placed you. If you can learn to do that as a young person, you will be light-years ahead of your peers in the coming years.

A support system that loves you for you

PKs feel like we have a target on our back at all times, whether we actually do or not. As a people, we tend to be suspicious of motives. This makes us put up walls, which leaves us incredibly lonely.

I get it.

But life behind a wall is no life at all. I pray that God would send you friends who have a heart for Him and a love for you, not because of who your family is or what they can do for them, but because you are awesome and worthy of friendship. I pray that when God does send those friends that you wouldn't reject them out of fear of getting too close. When you live in a constant state of unease, just waiting for the next move, it can be easy to think the safest choice is to not build a relationship that you'll just have to give up anyway. You couldn't be more wrong. You don't need to walk through this world alone. You were never intended to.

If you need me, I'm here. I get it. I've lived it and in some ways, even as an adult, I'm still living it. I will pray for you. I will fight for you. I will see the best in you. I will encourage you. I will quietly listen to you, and I will silence those who try to tear you down. As long as I'm alive, you are not alone.

The PK Prayer Part:1

The stress of being the child of a minister is unlike anything else. Ours is a seemingly unfortunate fraternity of men and women, guys and girls who have seen the absolute worst of the church. Don't get me wrong, there were blessings along the way. I was raised in a home where Christ was the center of our daily lives. When there were troubles, I learned to pray and lean on the Lord. When there was happiness, I learned to rejoice in the Lord. I was taught to be generous and kind, to defend the Word and those who could not defend themselves, but mostly I learned that my life is not my own.

But I wasn't able to appreciate those great life lessons until I was an adult. It was hard to see parsonage life as a positive while I was still in it. In speaking with countless PKs and their parents I have realized this to be the case for most kids and teenagers living with a pastor. 

To my PK brothers and sisters, know that I am praying over you daily. Know that right now I am speaking against:

Hatred Towards Christians Church People

You know perhaps more than anyone that just because someone goes to church and calls them self a Christian doesn't mean they act like Christ. It doesn't take long before hypocrisy, jealousy, and gossip begin to surface, which means it doesn't take long for the PK to harbor hatred towards those who seek to hurt the pastoral family. I know, I've been there. 

It doesn't matter what those people say or do, you will be judged on your reaction. They would like nothing better than for you to stoop to their level-don't give them the satisfaction. Instead, pray that God would change their heart. 

Bitterness Towards the Church

When I was 12 years old I found out we were moving. Our leaders would not tell my family where we were going, just that come a specific Sunday morning my father's name would be announced and we were expected to comply with the announcement. Little did we know that we were being sent to the other side of the country to a state I couldn't even locate on a map. It meant leaving the only church I had known and the friends I had spent 8 years building relationships with. 

I was angry. I was bitter. I nearly hated the men who had moved us. Clearly they didn't understand what they had done. They didn't care about us at all.

I was wrong. 

I understand now that it was a great move. It developed us individually and brought us together as a family. It would have been easy to hate our leaders and by extension our church in those days, but the Lord healed me of my bitterness. 

The enemy tries desperately to place seeds of bitterness against the Church in the heart of PKs. Why? Because he wants to keep them from their destiny. Most ministers come from a ministerial home. Generally, our preachers have fathers, mothers, or grandparents who served in the church before them. If the devil can make the next generation of preachers bitter towards church, he can effectively stop ministry in many areas. 

Don't let the devil win. Realize that our leaders make decisions based on information we don't all have. It's not punishment, it's not personal. Pray for your leaders. Respect them as being placed over you for a reason. Harboring bitterness will do nothing but keep you from God's plan for you.

Hurt Towards your Parents

There was a generation of preachers who always put the church before their family. Fortunately, most modern pastors understand that God created the family BEFORE he created the church, although members don't alway see it this way. Understand your parents have to walk a fine and frustrating line. They have to uphold their biblical mandate to care for their family, yet the church demands they care for the members' families first. There is no way to win. Either they give you priority and anger the church, or they put the church first and risk losing you. I would pray that every pastor understand that if they gain everyone else in the community but their children die lost, they wasted their life's work, but I know that is easy to forget. 

Vacations, dinners, holidays rarely go as planned in the PK's life and it can be hard to see why your parents make the choices they do. I'm not asking you to like it. I'm asking you to be patient and understanding. The truth is your parents don't like broken promises either. And they probably don't like the troublesome members any more than you do. They are simply trying to do what they think is right for the people in their care-sometimes they get it wrong, but don't think for a second that the choices are easy. 

I hope that every pastor's kid (be they young or old) realizes they have an ally in me. Know that there are many who stand with you even if you don't see them everyday. Don't let the enemy tell you that you are alone. I've got your back.

Truth About Charlie

 

Photo Cred: Washington Post

The internet has recently been flooded with videos of young people playing a game called "Charlie Charlie". Basically, kids draw the words "yes" and "no" on a piece of paper, lay two pencils down on the paper, and begin asking questions of a being named "Charlie". The claim is that Charlie will respond by pushing the pencils into either the yes or no zones of the paper.

In the time since the videos featuring spooky movements began appearing online I have read numerous explanations. Everything has been hypothesized as a cause for the success of these experiments from the true presence of a demonic force (now claimed to be a "Mexican demon", whatever that is) to merely the effects of gravity. Countless responses have been posted ranging from near-panic over the state of the souls of our kids to mockery that anyone would worry about this.

My personal opinion regarding this game is the same as my opinion of the oft-maligned Ouija board, the evil isn't in the game-it's in our hearts. 

Do I really think a demon is taking time from his schedule to move pencils set up by middle schoolers? No. The truth is that the danger in this trend has nothing to do with the game they play. The threat it reveals is the curiosity of the young heart.

The Storm Outside

I spent a few of my teenage years in Oklahoma-you know, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains. Everyone knows that you should stay clear of doors and windows during powerful storms. Common sense dictates that the danger outside is nothing to play around with. But more often than not, the thrill of danger would overtake my young mind. I would find myself at the front door, twisting the handle of the last barrier between myself and the elements. Often these storms were so strong I need not even open the door by my own will. All that was needed was enough curiosity to turn the door knob for a gust to catch the door and blow it open. Once opened, I learned an important fact of design-it's much harder to close a door in the face of a storm than it is to open it. 

So it is with an unhealthy interest in the occult. 

You don't have to intentionally open a door for the devil. All he needs is for you to be curious enough to turn a handle-the strength of the storm will be enough to force it open. And once it is open, you will likely find yourself not strong enough to close it back. 

Maybe this is the reason we are admonished  in Philippians to "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (4:8 NIV) With every thought we devote to the trickery of Satan we are taking one more step towards that door.

Anything

Last summer I shared about my husband's experience with the occult in the entry "Andy's Story". In speaking with Andy about how he got so deep into the religion, he told me it started with "just being curious." Soon he was invoking spirits, as he said it, "by letting them know I was up for anything." That is my warning to young people who think they are just fulfilling curiosity-when you mess around with anything claiming to involve the spirit realm, you are letting those spirits know you are "up for anything". And I assure you, "anything" is a terrifying thing to agree to. 

So if you know a young person playing this game or others like it, I encourage you to have a sincere, loving talk with them. They probably have no idea the danger their curiosity could put them in. You don't have to cry and wail that they will become possessed, but don't ignore it either. Teach them instead to focus on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.

Frustrating Grace

For months we have seen tabloids and "legitimate" news sources try to scrape together some dirt on the stars of "19 kids and counting" stars, the Duggar family. Like hungry lions waiting to devour early Christians, the media has paced back and forth waiting on their chance to destroy this family that has served as one of the only sources of wholesome television programming. For all their strangeness, nothing has been able to stick as hard proof that something strange was afoot in the household.

Until this week.

News broke that when their oldest son was a young teenager he molested several young women. There is speculation that the girls were his sisters or friends from church, but we don't know yet. When this young man's family found out what had happened they waited over a year to report it to police. When they did report, it was to an officer they had a personal relationship with. It wasn't handled properly and it has since been discovered that this officer was eventually convicted on child porn charges (unrelated to this case, but it speaks to the motivations of the officer). His parents went to their church leaders for guidance and they neglected to report.

Now those lions I referred to have a real meal to feast on and I'm not the least bit surprised at their giddiness over the story. I am, however, shocked at how many Christians are taking personal pleasure in this bombshell.

Things Aren't As They Appear

Much of the "beef" I hear with the Duggars is that they were presenting a facade of perfection to the world and now those layers are being ripped away. First, let me say that in my limited exposure to the show, I never heard them present their lifestyle as one for everyone. It was always about their personal choices. They didn't present themselves as better than others, only different. The bible would refer to this "differentness" as "peculiar", but more on that later.

In light of recent revelation I am beginning to wonder if that lifestyle was not carefully crafted to protect their family. Could it be that the limitations of the internet and television and focus on modesty and chaste living were a response to the sins of their son? Maybe that was their way of gouging out an offending eye (Matthew 5:29). Instead of calling them hypocrites, why don't we view their life through the lens of hurting parents, trying to help their child?

Why are Christians so quick to judge this family as deceiptive? Maybe they live their life as if this sin didn't occur, not because they are sweeping it under a rug, but maybe they are clinging to the redemptive power of Christ.

Redemption

I'm at a loss for the number of Christians who refuse to accept that maybe the holy appearance of this family and this young man isn't an "act". In the last two days I have heard Christians basically say that once a failure has occurred there is no way to live a life of holiness. Now, from the unsaved this idea makes sense. But it doesn't work for the Christian because 2 Corinthians 5:17 makes it clear, " Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Maybe this young man is acting like a decent person because his IS decent now. That's the awesome, painful, inconvenient truth of the Gospel-forgiveness is freely given to the least deserving. More than that, change comes with repentance. In fact, it is impossible to not change if one has truly repented.

Maybe this man's life really was redeemed, just as mine was, just as every Christian's life was.

Paul makes it plain that forgiveness and change is not only possible for the worst sinners, it is necessary when he writes, "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what SOME OF YOU WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:9-11, emphasis added). Through the redemptive power of Christ, we are washed, sanctified, and justified-even the "sexually immoral".

The family addressed the sin, the boy sought forgiveness and restitution from the offended, obtained justification from Christ, and is living in the justification. The world will never understand that, but Christians should.

Target

The Duggars placed a giant target on their back when they began showing a lifestyle unlike anything we had seen on television. They knew when they signed on the dotted line to broadcast their life that there were skeletons in the closet. I have heard some complain that the Duggars are a poor example of Christians and thus, Christians should not have thrown such support behind them.

1 Peter 2:9-10 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."

This verse makes it clear the "holy nation" wasn't always holy. God's "royal priesthood" were once in darkness, in need of a Savior.

Who needs mercy? Those who have sinned. They have chosen to live their lives declaring God's praises because He is the One who showed them mercy when they least deserved it. It doesn't make them hypocrites or bad examples, it makes them the special possession God called them to be.

In this whole ordeal, I know a few things to be true:

1.) A young man made sinful decisions. Not bad choices, not poor judgements, but sinful decisions.  Those decisions required repentance, forgiveness from God, forgiveness from his victims, and counseling. By all accounts, all of those requirements have been met. He needs prayer for the days ahead as his old life comes back to haunt him.

2.) There are victims who were mistreated. These young women are having to relive a painful, degrading time in their lives just so the media can have its day. In all the rejoicing that there's finally a smoking gun to the claim that the family isn't perfect, we find little concern for the state of the girls involved. They need prayer that they be protected from bitterness and hatred that will eat them alive. They need prayer that they find peace and that they not lose their faith based on the actions of Christians.

3.) There is a family under attack. While motivations and actions are now being questioned, I have no doubt that the Duggar parents did what they thought was best for their son at the time. They did eventually report the incidents, all be it far to late. They need prayer for peace of mind right now. I'm sure they are now questioning if they made the right choices.

4.) The church dropped the ball. It is beyond the scope of the church to handle issues like this. We must ALWAYS report and allow the proper authorities to do their job. Failure to follow this procedure can lead to further abuses and hurt towards the church that didn't protect victims. We need to pray that the Lord would give His people wisdom and forgive us for the times we failed the hurting.

Grace is frustrating. It goes to the people we would hate to give it to. But we didn't give our lives for the salvation of mankind, so we don't get to decide who is the recipient.

Thank God for this grace that is bestowed to the undeserving, because I would have certainly never been able to earn it myself.

Love, Sex, & Dating

In my mid-twenties I reached a place that lies beyond depression and desperation-the place of decision. I had wasted my time running back to faux love that didn't want to commit. I squandered my nights falling asleep in a puddle of my tears and regrets as everyone else got to move on and start their families. After a while I reached a revelation. I came to a place where I realized that I may be my only company for a while and if I was to be my only companion then I should become the kind of person I wanted to spend my time with. I went back to college. I started working on my health. Most importantly, I started working on my relationship with Christ.

Quite vividly I remember explaining the reasoning for my lifestyle changes to a friend at a party when I was officially introduced to the man who would become my husband. When I started becoming who I wanted to be with, instead of looking for who I wanted to be with, everything aligned as it should and I got what I wanted all along.

This concept of becoming instead of looking is the basis for Andy Stanley's book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. Andy puts into words what I could never explain even though I knew in my heart it was what I needed to do. It's really quite simple. If you want a mate to be the embodiment of certain qualities (i.e. spiritual, faithful, kind) then you have to possess those qualities first.

His insights on dating and premarital sex are upfront without being judgmental. He offers direction for virgins and grace for the sexually experienced. For those who have not indulged in their sexual desires, he explains in great detail why God created sex to be part of a healthy marriage and not a frivolous act prior to the wedding. He explains that "as sexual encounters increase, your potential to experience sexual intimacy decreases." He goes on to explain in stunning simplicity how with the end of each sexual relationship, we have to convince ourselves we aren't heartbroken and "move on" because it would hurt too much to face the truth that with sex comes connection. Every time we move on we convince ourselves a little more that it didn't matter. We end up disconnected from the very thing God gave us to tether with our spouse for life. For those who have already made the decision to engage in sex, he offers a prescription for turning it around in preparation for the future God intends for you.

While this is a great (and easy) read for teens and single adults, I found myself strangely convicted as a married woman. Midway through the book is a chapter simply entitled "love is". This chapter offers an extraordinary breakdown of 1 Corinthians 13. As I read his analysis of "love is kind" I realized this to be my greatest struggle in marriage. Stanley defines kindness as the ability to "leverage one's strength on behalf of another." It is the decision to take some of your strength and give it to a weaker individual. More importantly, it's the decision to not view that person as weak. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I realized that this is my battle. My tendency has been to become frustrated and even angry at those I love when they don't possess the same strengths as I do. I've thought over and over about this portion of the book and have added this to my daily prayer list, that the Lord would teach me to be kind.

Stanley's offering should be considered a must read for singles. There is also a DVD study available for purchase that I'm sure would be incredible for small groups.

Thank you, Andy Stanley, for putting into words what I never could.

*I received this book from North Point Publishing (andystanley.com) in exchange for this review.

Favor

Possibly the worst day of my life came during what should have been one of the most glorious times of my life. When I was six months pregnant I got a call from my husband telling me he would likely be losing his job through no fault of his own. Long time readers may recall that I gave up a stable, well paying career before I was married at the leading of the Lord, which left us as a single income family.

Just the moment Andy called with this somber news I was pulling into the parking lot of my former place of employment where I occasionally work PRN. As I listened, my mind began to race back to the day I quit. I had been so sure that I was doing the right thing, yet we just kept struggling. I started to wonder if I would have to go back, hat in hand, disregarding what I thought was a clear instruction from God and asking for my job back. A week later we found out that his employment was indeed terminated. When he told me it was official he said that he had peace about it-I did not. I drove around for about an hour screaming at God that He had abandoned us when I was only trying to do what He had said. With no income, no insurance, and no prospects on the horizon I asked Andy what I needed to do. There is not really a market for a pregnant x-ray tech, but I figured I could find something, anything, to help. He would not let me pursue another job.

This was the first, but not the last time I would ask if I needed to put preaching on the back burner and earn some real money. His answer was always the same-no. Andy always had faith that I had indeed heard the voice of the Lord when I began my full time ministry pursuit and didn't want us to live with the consequences of ignoring that call. When I had settled down and started talking to God instead of screaming at Him, He spoke a message to my heart loud and clear. He told me that because Andy encouraged me to continue to follow His leading that God would show Andy favor. He told me that Andy would have blessings of his own because he didn't let me give up.

Andy eventually found a new job which paid better but sent him home stressed out everyday. After a few months an opportunity opened up for him to work in an entirely different field. He got a job at an extermination company crawling under houses. Even though the work is hard, he comes home happy at the end of the day with checks that are more than he could have imagined before. But that's not the best part...

While training his lead told him "just keep telling yourself you've only got to be under houses for a year, then you can switch to something else." The next week he followed along on a call in the division that works inside of houses instead of under them. While calling on a predominately Hispanic neighborhood, his trainer struggled to communicate but Andy, a fluent Spanish speaker, stepped in and saved the meeting. Word got back to the bosses who offered to give Andy the route. What should have taken months if not a year took 3 weeks! But that's not even the coolest part...

The man he is taking the route from told Andy he would do what he could to give him more business. The next day he walked in to tell Andy of several sales he had made that would benefit my husband. The first words out of this man's mouth? "Andy, you must really have God's FAVOR on you."

I say all this to say that when we were struggling, living somewhere I would have never chosen, and worrying about how I was going to have a baby when I didn't have coverage it was hard to believe that such goodness was on its way. But God is faithful and I'm not his only child. He loves you just as much as He loves me. Whatever your circumstance, God is sovereign and He can put you in just the right place to turn everything around. Don't give up. Don't give in. Know His voice and follow it for it will take you places where His blessings will rain down.

RRRUUUUUNNNN

In my small kitchen are two items that are not small at all. One is a scripture and the other is a photograph. The verse is one I wrote out when Andy and I were first married. I placed it on the refrigerator of our first apartment as a reminder of why I do what I do. It is  found in 2 Timothy 4.

Of special note in this blog are verses 7 and 8: " I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." The first half of the passage are my marching orderers and the last half are my promise. When I think of these verses, two faces come to mind, one is my grandmother, "nanny" Mckinley. The other is the subject of that photograph I mentioned above...

This is my grandpa, James Thomas McKinley. That photo is a reproduction one published many decades ago in a local newspaper heralding the restaurant in a local hotel for which my grandpa was the chef. I have told it before, but it bears repeating that my grandparents endured much hardship for the Gospel. My grandpa spent many years away from the Lord. His altar of repentance was the body of his son who died in his mid-twenties from the effects of an epileptic seizure. After returning to the Lord and accepting his calling, my grandpa felt the need to give all he could to make up for the lost years. 

He only ever pastored a handful of people. They lived in the basement of the church which was eaten up with mold. They worked multiple jobs at a time just to keep the lights on in the church. As he got older and sicker and worn out my dad asked him why in the world he continued to suffer for people who didn't seem to care. His response was swift, simple, and powerful-"some people get paid to preach and some people PAY to preach." They paid to preach. 

This is the reason I count them as part of my "great cloud of witnesses" found in Hebrews 12. My grandparents are two of those of "whom the world was not worthy." 

In my few years of ministry there have already been many times I have stumbled in my race. I've made mistakes. I've let my desires overtake His will. I've spoken out of anger and hurt. I've given poor advice. There are many days I wonder what I'm even doing as I fear that I'm no good to anyone. 

I envision myself on a track. When those thoughts come to me, I can see myself taking my eyes off my lane and looking to the runners on either side of me and the critics on the sidelines. And then I see myself stumble. As I lie there feeling hopeless and defeated, I fix my gaze high in the stands. There is my "VIP box". 

In my box you will find my "papaw" Weakley who filled in the gap left when my biological grandparents passed away. Next to him is my Nanny. And next to her is my grandpa McKinley. He's there mainly because his version would be a track. You see, when he was a sinner he loved to gamble.  My dad would tell stories of his father taking him to the track. After placing his bets he would beat his program against his thigh and yell, "RRRUUUNNNN" (of course, this being his non-preaching days, he threw in a few other NSFW phrases.)

So when I want to quit, to slink off the track and forfeit, I quite my mind and listen with my heart for my grandpa to cry out "RRRUUUNNN!" He knows that the run is worth the prize. He's already reached his reward and he knows that no earthly trouble outweighs the heavenly crown. 

I chose to take the baton and I will finish this race with endurance, because he reminds me to never give up.