In my mid-twenties I reached a place that lies beyond depression and desperation-the place of decision. I had wasted my time running back to faux love that didn't want to commit. I squandered my nights falling asleep in a puddle of my tears and regrets as everyone else got to move on and start their families. After a while I reached a revelation. I came to a place where I realized that I may be my only company for a while and if I was to be my only companion then I should become the kind of person I wanted to spend my time with. I went back to college. I started working on my health. Most importantly, I started working on my relationship with Christ.
Quite vividly I remember explaining the reasoning for my lifestyle changes to a friend at a party when I was officially introduced to the man who would become my husband. When I started becoming who I wanted to be with, instead of looking for who I wanted to be with, everything aligned as it should and I got what I wanted all along.
This concept of becoming instead of looking is the basis for Andy Stanley's book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. Andy puts into words what I could never explain even though I knew in my heart it was what I needed to do. It's really quite simple. If you want a mate to be the embodiment of certain qualities (i.e. spiritual, faithful, kind) then you have to possess those qualities first.
His insights on dating and premarital sex are upfront without being judgmental. He offers direction for virgins and grace for the sexually experienced. For those who have not indulged in their sexual desires, he explains in great detail why God created sex to be part of a healthy marriage and not a frivolous act prior to the wedding. He explains that "as sexual encounters increase, your potential to experience sexual intimacy decreases." He goes on to explain in stunning simplicity how with the end of each sexual relationship, we have to convince ourselves we aren't heartbroken and "move on" because it would hurt too much to face the truth that with sex comes connection. Every time we move on we convince ourselves a little more that it didn't matter. We end up disconnected from the very thing God gave us to tether with our spouse for life. For those who have already made the decision to engage in sex, he offers a prescription for turning it around in preparation for the future God intends for you.
While this is a great (and easy) read for teens and single adults, I found myself strangely convicted as a married woman. Midway through the book is a chapter simply entitled "love is". This chapter offers an extraordinary breakdown of 1 Corinthians 13. As I read his analysis of "love is kind" I realized this to be my greatest struggle in marriage. Stanley defines kindness as the ability to "leverage one's strength on behalf of another." It is the decision to take some of your strength and give it to a weaker individual. More importantly, it's the decision to not view that person as weak. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I realized that this is my battle. My tendency has been to become frustrated and even angry at those I love when they don't possess the same strengths as I do. I've thought over and over about this portion of the book and have added this to my daily prayer list, that the Lord would teach me to be kind.
Stanley's offering should be considered a must read for singles. There is also a DVD study available for purchase that I'm sure would be incredible for small groups.
Thank you, Andy Stanley, for putting into words what I never could.
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