Timelines

At 19 years old I knew exactly what needed to happen with my life. I had a perfect timeline of events that needed to occur when I said so in order for my life to be a "success". I'd have my Bachelor's Degree by 22, an engagement ring by 23, a perfect wedding by 24, all so I could have my two kids by 30 (I wasn't sure that I wanted children, but if I had them there was no way I'd be pregnant in my 30's).

Not only did I have a mental picture of how it would all go, but I set to planning ahead so when the time came I'd be ready. I spent hundreds of dollars if not more on wedding magazines, fully prepared to just change out the groom in my fantasy because he was just a piece of a much bigger puzzle.

But 22 came and the degree was delayed. 23 came and went with my ring finger remaining naked. So did 24, 25, and 26. My timeline was in shambles. In retrospect it was ridiculous to act as if I was an "old maid" at 26, but it felt like it at the time.

The Lord took me to Acts 17, featuring a speech by the Apostle Paul who was deeply troubled by all the idol worship in Athens. At verse 22 Paul begins;


 “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.'"

An unknown god. That's what I was worshiping. I had built an altar out of those magazines which was fanned with my crazed fantasies turned obsessions. I was putting all my faith on a future I couldn't understand instead of turning to the God who was already there. This God dictates the boundaries of lands and APPOINTS TIMES IN HISTORY, and yet I thought the appointments I set on an invisible calendar were going to win.

So here's what I did-

I gave the magazines away to a friend who was recently engaged and could actually use them. I started working on me in the present instead of the imagined "me" from the future. I confronted my insecurities and started doing something about them. I studied without worrying about the degree. I took an interest in getting healthy. I actively worked to get closer to the known God I had neglected while chasing the one I didn't know.

And while I was focused on getting those things right, God sent a man who loved me just as I was.

I still only have my associate's degree. I got married at 27, had my first child at 28, and don't know if he will be the only one (but if he's not, I'll be pregnant in my 30's).

The problem with timelines is that we are subject to a God who is all knowing and all seeing. He saw that I wasn't ready in my early 20's for the things I thought I needed. What I needed was to find myself in Him first.

In the waiting, seek God's Will. Ask Him what it is He desires to do you in you. Submit to the process and find joy in the timelines that he wrecks.