In Defense of Preacher's Daughters

A couple of days ago I was flipping through the channels and happened upon a new reality program called "Preacher's Daughters."  I had known of the existence of the show, and to be honest I had avoided watching because I had a feeling it was a play on stereotypes I've had to fight my whole life.

Throughout my life whenever someone would find out my dad was a minister I would promptly hear "oh, you know what they say about preacher's kids...they're wild." It's a frustrating prejudice and I really didn't feel like seeing it amplified, but I watched anyway.  I was not surprised to find the episode revolved around sex, sneaking out, and general bad behavior being contrasted against parents quoting bible verses and sending church members to check up on their daughters.  This all got me thinking about exactly why my fellow PK's have received their reputation and I would like to share my findings in an effort to explain the phenomena.

First, you have to understand the nature of a pastoral home.  To some it appears that a pastor works 1 hour a week.  The truth is, a good pastor works constantly.  They study, they counsel, they clean the church, and many unfortunately have to work extra jobs just to make ends meet.  This all on top of being "on call" 24/7.  I can't tell you how many nights our home phone rang at 2, 3, 4 in the morning because someone needed help, and my dad would be out the door to offer support.  Nor can I tell you the number of vacations that were interrupted by the needs of not only the congregation, but the congregants family and friends.  I hope you know I am not complaining, nor did I ever hear my parents complain.  I am simply speaking to the environment the pastoral family is subject to.

From my personal observations, I feel many pastor's daughters and sons act out in the same way sons and daughters of other parents who work long hours do.  Many just want attention.  They are begging for their parents to care for them.  When they see their parents constantly running to the aid of others who are in need, they feel that if they were in the same spot maybe they would run to them.  It can be incredibly difficult for ministers to draw boundaries between ministry and family time because when God calls you, He demands all of you.  In fact, as a young person heading into ministry and marriage simultaneously, this is an issue I am even struggling to resolve in my own life.  But, God created the family before He created the church.  I know it seems harsh, but I have seen too many of my fellow PK's fall away from God and the church because of the bitterness in their heart, feeling that the church and ministry caused their mother to be a figurative widow, and they became seemingly orphaned by a dad who was never around.  Is it really worth it to have the biggest, best church in town if you lose your child?

Secondly, you live under a magnifying glass.  I've heard it said you live in a fish bowl as a PK, but most days you feel more like an ant, minding your own business when some bully decides to concentrate a beam of light on your back and see what happens.  Every minor hill you climb becomes a mountain, and people can't wait to see you fail.  Most of these young people are doing the same if not far less than what their friends (yes, even their church friends) are doing, but when they do it, it is a different story.

Being raised in a pastoral home doesn't make you perfect.  No matter how well you raise your child, there is the pesky business of free will that will lead them into trouble now and then.  The truth is (in my observations) that this microscope situation doesn't create kids who stay out of trouble and spend their nights reading their bibles and leading bible studies, it creates kids who are sneaky.  It creates young people who can lie to your face and not flinch.

The final point is like unto the first two.  Living under the microscope creates young people who feel inferior.  They have the weight of their parent's ministry, and their livelihood on their back.  They feel like if they fail, everyone will know and it will hurt their family.  That's a lot of pressure to put on a teenager.  So when they mess up, and they will, and some "good church person" calls them out on it, and they will, they feel like a failure.  They feel empty and useless and alone, and they turn towards the outlets they think can ease their pain.

This post was not meant as a rebuke on absent pastors or on church members who need their help, nor was it meant to defend rebellion in young people.  This was meant to shed light in the hope that we would be more aware of how our actions effect the pastoral home.

I'm asking that you pray for your pastor's home, and in particular his (or her) children.  Until you have lived in the parsonage, you have no idea what the pressure is like.  I'm asking that you lift them up and encourage them when they do well, and to not kick them when they are down.  I'm asking that you treat them the way you would want your children treated. Show them the same grace and mercy you would expect the pastor to show your children.  Finally, I am asking that you not put the pressure of the world on their shoulders.  Let them know that they are their own person.  Their failures are their own, and not a reflection on their parents.  They do not exist merely in the shadow of the preacher.

God has something special for them and them alone, so please do all you can to help them accomplish it.