This Valentine's day has been marked on our calendars for a while now, not because we are fanatics for the day, but because it was the end of the lease on our first apartment. God blessed us with a new home that is much more conducive to our current and future lifestyles, but it was a bittersweet moment to walk through and think of the memories we made there. My husband walked through commenting on how it was his first place on his own and how it was where we first learned how to live together, but I wasn't getting misty eyed because all I could remember was shelf liner.
Andy moved in to our 1 bedroom apartment in Nashville 6 months before our wedding. Due to some circumstances beyond his control, it became important for him to have a place of his own sooner than expected. As is always the case, what seemed frustrating at the time ended up being the best thing for him because he got a chance to see what life on his own would be like before I moved in after our wedding 6 months later. The first week he moved in, one of my older friends told me I needed to put down shelf liner in the kitchen cabinets. I went out and bought several rolls, brought them home, and insisted that he contort himself into our cabinets to measure and then cut the paper into the awkward shapes we found. About an hour into this project he looked at me and said, "why do we even need this." Can you believe that?! I believe my response (after an exaggerated glare) was something like, "how can you even ask me that?" and then for good measure I probably questioned if he even loved me, because how could you question puffy shelf liners if he loved me?
Here's the truth: I didn't answer him because I didn't know why we needed them either. This was the first in a long string of arguments in which this was really about that. I had never been on my own either, and I thought I finally had an inside track on how to run a home. When he questioned me it brought to the surface all my insecurities of how I really didn't know what I was doing. Yes, it was a ridiculous leap, but those are especially common in a new nest.
So, now that I am a veteran wife of 6 months (please see the sarcasm in that), I want to share some tips that I've learned in this short time:
1. In times of trouble, stay on topic. Don't turn your spouse, the dishes, or the placement of your couch into a scapegoat for your real issues. If you are lamenting the loss of your independence, admit it. If you miss seeing your family everyday, say it, so you can work it out. Be honest AND be willing to accept the honesty. You can't work through anything you don't acknowledge. Don't spend an hour screaming about how the "stove is broken and that's why I burn everything" (*guilty), when the truth is, there is a learning curve that your partner understands better than you want to admit.
2. Accept the situation for what it is. Disney movies ruined a lot of us girls. They always ended with the wedding as the last scene. They just leave you with a "happily ever after". Walt didn't say what happened when Cinderella discovered that Prince Charming expected her to still be a maid after they said "I do". We didn't find out how Snow White's new husband felt about the dwarfs randomly showing up with laundry. Or how Prince Eric handled it when Ariel got mad and screamed "I gave up my fins for you, not to mention my thing-a-ma-bobs! I had 20, for goodness sake!". Marriage is rough. It's two people becoming one, and no matter how you slice it, this mutation is difficult. Don't expect a perfect fairy tale. Expect work.
3. Remember what love is. Love is not sunshine and roses everyday. It's not about curing loneliness. It's not about "fixing" you or them. We know what love is because the bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13. Most people include this "love chapter" in their wedding ceremony, but if you'd allow me, I'd like to give you my "newlywed wife version" of it:
Love is calm when you want to blow up.
Love doesn't intentionally push buttons to ignite an argument.
Love doesn't think he is looking at every girl who walks by
Love doesn't throw success in his face
Love doesn't roll its eyes or ignore him when he is trying to talk to you
Love can compromise, and even let him win a few
Love isn't easily annoyed
Love doesn't bring up that he called you his ex's name 2 years ago
Love isn't excited to "get one over" on him
Love is happy when the truth comes out, regardless of who the truth benefits in the short term
Love doesn't pack up for mom's house when it gets too hard to handle
Love never believes its spouse is helpless or hopeless
Love looks for the glory of tomorrow, not the sorrow of today
Love doesn't quit, no matter how hard the circumstance
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