Frustrating Grace

For months we have seen tabloids and "legitimate" news sources try to scrape together some dirt on the stars of "19 kids and counting" stars, the Duggar family. Like hungry lions waiting to devour early Christians, the media has paced back and forth waiting on their chance to destroy this family that has served as one of the only sources of wholesome television programming. For all their strangeness, nothing has been able to stick as hard proof that something strange was afoot in the household.

Until this week.

News broke that when their oldest son was a young teenager he molested several young women. There is speculation that the girls were his sisters or friends from church, but we don't know yet. When this young man's family found out what had happened they waited over a year to report it to police. When they did report, it was to an officer they had a personal relationship with. It wasn't handled properly and it has since been discovered that this officer was eventually convicted on child porn charges (unrelated to this case, but it speaks to the motivations of the officer). His parents went to their church leaders for guidance and they neglected to report.

Now those lions I referred to have a real meal to feast on and I'm not the least bit surprised at their giddiness over the story. I am, however, shocked at how many Christians are taking personal pleasure in this bombshell.

Things Aren't As They Appear

Much of the "beef" I hear with the Duggars is that they were presenting a facade of perfection to the world and now those layers are being ripped away. First, let me say that in my limited exposure to the show, I never heard them present their lifestyle as one for everyone. It was always about their personal choices. They didn't present themselves as better than others, only different. The bible would refer to this "differentness" as "peculiar", but more on that later.

In light of recent revelation I am beginning to wonder if that lifestyle was not carefully crafted to protect their family. Could it be that the limitations of the internet and television and focus on modesty and chaste living were a response to the sins of their son? Maybe that was their way of gouging out an offending eye (Matthew 5:29). Instead of calling them hypocrites, why don't we view their life through the lens of hurting parents, trying to help their child?

Why are Christians so quick to judge this family as deceiptive? Maybe they live their life as if this sin didn't occur, not because they are sweeping it under a rug, but maybe they are clinging to the redemptive power of Christ.

Redemption

I'm at a loss for the number of Christians who refuse to accept that maybe the holy appearance of this family and this young man isn't an "act". In the last two days I have heard Christians basically say that once a failure has occurred there is no way to live a life of holiness. Now, from the unsaved this idea makes sense. But it doesn't work for the Christian because 2 Corinthians 5:17 makes it clear, " Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Maybe this young man is acting like a decent person because his IS decent now. That's the awesome, painful, inconvenient truth of the Gospel-forgiveness is freely given to the least deserving. More than that, change comes with repentance. In fact, it is impossible to not change if one has truly repented.

Maybe this man's life really was redeemed, just as mine was, just as every Christian's life was.

Paul makes it plain that forgiveness and change is not only possible for the worst sinners, it is necessary when he writes, "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what SOME OF YOU WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:9-11, emphasis added). Through the redemptive power of Christ, we are washed, sanctified, and justified-even the "sexually immoral".

The family addressed the sin, the boy sought forgiveness and restitution from the offended, obtained justification from Christ, and is living in the justification. The world will never understand that, but Christians should.

Target

The Duggars placed a giant target on their back when they began showing a lifestyle unlike anything we had seen on television. They knew when they signed on the dotted line to broadcast their life that there were skeletons in the closet. I have heard some complain that the Duggars are a poor example of Christians and thus, Christians should not have thrown such support behind them.

1 Peter 2:9-10 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."

This verse makes it clear the "holy nation" wasn't always holy. God's "royal priesthood" were once in darkness, in need of a Savior.

Who needs mercy? Those who have sinned. They have chosen to live their lives declaring God's praises because He is the One who showed them mercy when they least deserved it. It doesn't make them hypocrites or bad examples, it makes them the special possession God called them to be.

In this whole ordeal, I know a few things to be true:

1.) A young man made sinful decisions. Not bad choices, not poor judgements, but sinful decisions.  Those decisions required repentance, forgiveness from God, forgiveness from his victims, and counseling. By all accounts, all of those requirements have been met. He needs prayer for the days ahead as his old life comes back to haunt him.

2.) There are victims who were mistreated. These young women are having to relive a painful, degrading time in their lives just so the media can have its day. In all the rejoicing that there's finally a smoking gun to the claim that the family isn't perfect, we find little concern for the state of the girls involved. They need prayer that they be protected from bitterness and hatred that will eat them alive. They need prayer that they find peace and that they not lose their faith based on the actions of Christians.

3.) There is a family under attack. While motivations and actions are now being questioned, I have no doubt that the Duggar parents did what they thought was best for their son at the time. They did eventually report the incidents, all be it far to late. They need prayer for peace of mind right now. I'm sure they are now questioning if they made the right choices.

4.) The church dropped the ball. It is beyond the scope of the church to handle issues like this. We must ALWAYS report and allow the proper authorities to do their job. Failure to follow this procedure can lead to further abuses and hurt towards the church that didn't protect victims. We need to pray that the Lord would give His people wisdom and forgive us for the times we failed the hurting.

Grace is frustrating. It goes to the people we would hate to give it to. But we didn't give our lives for the salvation of mankind, so we don't get to decide who is the recipient.

Thank God for this grace that is bestowed to the undeserving, because I would have certainly never been able to earn it myself.

Love, Sex, & Dating

In my mid-twenties I reached a place that lies beyond depression and desperation-the place of decision. I had wasted my time running back to faux love that didn't want to commit. I squandered my nights falling asleep in a puddle of my tears and regrets as everyone else got to move on and start their families. After a while I reached a revelation. I came to a place where I realized that I may be my only company for a while and if I was to be my only companion then I should become the kind of person I wanted to spend my time with. I went back to college. I started working on my health. Most importantly, I started working on my relationship with Christ.

Quite vividly I remember explaining the reasoning for my lifestyle changes to a friend at a party when I was officially introduced to the man who would become my husband. When I started becoming who I wanted to be with, instead of looking for who I wanted to be with, everything aligned as it should and I got what I wanted all along.

This concept of becoming instead of looking is the basis for Andy Stanley's book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. Andy puts into words what I could never explain even though I knew in my heart it was what I needed to do. It's really quite simple. If you want a mate to be the embodiment of certain qualities (i.e. spiritual, faithful, kind) then you have to possess those qualities first.

His insights on dating and premarital sex are upfront without being judgmental. He offers direction for virgins and grace for the sexually experienced. For those who have not indulged in their sexual desires, he explains in great detail why God created sex to be part of a healthy marriage and not a frivolous act prior to the wedding. He explains that "as sexual encounters increase, your potential to experience sexual intimacy decreases." He goes on to explain in stunning simplicity how with the end of each sexual relationship, we have to convince ourselves we aren't heartbroken and "move on" because it would hurt too much to face the truth that with sex comes connection. Every time we move on we convince ourselves a little more that it didn't matter. We end up disconnected from the very thing God gave us to tether with our spouse for life. For those who have already made the decision to engage in sex, he offers a prescription for turning it around in preparation for the future God intends for you.

While this is a great (and easy) read for teens and single adults, I found myself strangely convicted as a married woman. Midway through the book is a chapter simply entitled "love is". This chapter offers an extraordinary breakdown of 1 Corinthians 13. As I read his analysis of "love is kind" I realized this to be my greatest struggle in marriage. Stanley defines kindness as the ability to "leverage one's strength on behalf of another." It is the decision to take some of your strength and give it to a weaker individual. More importantly, it's the decision to not view that person as weak. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I realized that this is my battle. My tendency has been to become frustrated and even angry at those I love when they don't possess the same strengths as I do. I've thought over and over about this portion of the book and have added this to my daily prayer list, that the Lord would teach me to be kind.

Stanley's offering should be considered a must read for singles. There is also a DVD study available for purchase that I'm sure would be incredible for small groups.

Thank you, Andy Stanley, for putting into words what I never could.

*I received this book from North Point Publishing (andystanley.com) in exchange for this review.