You Can't Keep Your Eyes On the Cross...

I don't like to start arguments...but I like to finish them. Before you think that sounds arrogant, realize that I am not bragging about this fact. When an argument ensues I begin to feel heat in my stomach and it radiates up my chest and by the time it gets to my mouth I can't be quiet. They say your body has a fight or flight response to confrontation, and let's just say that flying is not my style. 

Recently, I felt that I had been attacked and it was totally unprovoked. I'm not going into detail because it doesn't matter, but suffice it to say that a long time frustration with this person was topped off with a single comment. In that moment I made a decision to retaliate. I chose to use the same medium so as to teach the other person a lesson. In the light of day, when all is said and done, I realize that I am the one who needed to be taught something. I am not responsible for what others say or do or how they feel about me, I am only responsible for how I react. I love to have the most clever remarks in an argument and come out on top in a fight, but how can I end up on top if I make myself small in the process? 

A few months ago, when I told one of my mentors about the calling I felt on my life, she responded that she wasn't going to be overjoyed for me because she knew that when someone accepts God's calling the devil tries to attack and distract from what God would have them do. I feel like that is all that this episode was. Satan wanted to distract me in a time that God had brought several people to me for ministry. Any minute spent contemplating how I will attack next or what I will say when they strike back is a minute I should have spent seeking God's voice and ministering. Even though I didn't start the argument, it wasn't my job to finish it. I always thought that it was okay to strike back with hurtful comments if they would end a fight started by someone else, but I was wrong. God's hand is on me and I failed when I chose to give the other person "a dose of their own medicine". I learned that you can't keep your eyes on the cross when you stoop to someone else's level. What God is doing in their life is between them and Him, but He has been trying to do something in me and I shouldn't have participated in childish games. Even if I was trying to defend myself, that isn't my job. God is my defender, I should let Him do it. 

I am better than my behavior and for the first time in my life, having the wittier comment didn't make me feel better. I have prayed to God to help me mature spiritually, and for the first time I felt truly convicted over comments I made. I share this with you knowing that it doesn't make me sound good, but I share it because I learned an important lesson in keeping my mouth shut and letting God fight for me. I refuse to allow anything else to distract me for even a moment from what God is doing through me.