Fathers, Be Good to Your Sons, Too

Anyone who knows me very well can tell you my absolute favorite musician is John Mayer. At one point, the word "obsessed" would have been a fair description of my affinity for the crooner from Connecticut. (Please remember, I said he's a great musician and have no desire to engage in a debate regarding his status as a poor role model.) A few years ago, he achieved his first number one hit with his song "Daughters". Here's a small sampling of the lyrics:


"Boys, you can break/You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong/And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone/without the warmth from/woman/s good, good heart

On behalf of every man/Looking out for every girl/You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters/Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers/So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

In an interview I heard him say he wrote the hit because he was "tired of dealing with girls with daddy issues." Obviously, being written by a [womanizing] man, he could only report from his side of the debate. As a woman, I'd like to say that women are equally frustrated with the "daddy issues" that men deal with. John pretty much summed up a large portion of the problem with the first line quoted, "boys, you can break/you'll find out how much they can take".

Most father's I know (not all, I am fully aware) view their daughters as my dad does: they are their princesses. But so often, I see father's trying to break their sons. They talk down to them, degrade them, and try to intimidate them into being a man. Eventually, these boys (allegedly) grow up and turn into the kind of men who label the women in their lives as having "daddy issues" (sorry, John). You see, when you talk down to your son you aren't showing him how to be a man, you are showing him how to be a bully. There are 2 equally horrifying outcomes to this scenario: 1. Your son will follow the model you gave him, demeaning those around him or 2. He will cower as an adult, never being able to fulfill his God-given role as head of his house because you made him feel like less than a man.

Yes, the bible demands that we honor our fathers and mothers, but it also offers very pointed instruction regarding the parent's treatment of their children. Ephesians 6:4 instructs, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." Colossians 3:21 warns, "Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged."

I implore you, as the Word does, to lead your sons [and daughters] in the ways of the Lord. Speak life into them, not death. Speak blessings on their future family. Stop breaking them down with the distant hope that you will be able to build them back up-you can't. This tactic breaks relationship, destroys families, and in many cases pushes the young man to a point that his only goal is to get away from his father-for good.

Instead of "seeing how much they can take", I suggest this...

Tell your son that you're proud of him. Tell him he is capable of being a great husband and father one day. Find his strengths and shine a light on them. And above all else, tell him you love him, otherwise, the day will come when you want to say it and he will be gone.