A few weeks ago, I shared one of my more guarded secrets, the fact that I had premarital sex. I shared this dark part of my life with the hope that it would help others. And apparently it did. For several days I received messages from young people who were in the same pit as I and from parents who needed to be reminded that their children's failures don't mean they were failures as parents. I told you in that entry that when I opened up to my parents I had to share many other issues I had. While I don't feel the need to explain them all to you, there is one that you need to hear about because I want to shed light on the issue.
Long before my first sexual encounter I engaged in something that, statistically, most young people are participating in. I had begun sexting. In case you don't know, sexting is sending either sexually suggestive photos via text or sending explicit text messages. I'm not proud of what I did. This does not serve to make myself sound cool or relevant. I'm telling you about my sin so that you can understand my motivations behind it and perhaps use that to stop it from happening around you. One youth pastor told me that the sexting phenomenon came about because girls are "more aggressive" these days and that it would have never happened when he was young. Maybe he's partially right, but my reasoning had nothing to do with aggressiveness, it had to do with poor self esteem.
I've never made it a secret that I have struggled with body issues since my early high school days which resulted in an eating disorder in college. I wanted to be wanted. I needed someone to be out of his mind excited about me. Compounding this issue was the fact that I knew the recipient of my photos was an avid porn viewer. Why does that matter? Because in my young mind all I could think was "if he's going to look at a naked girl anyway, I want it to be me." And why should you care? Because most young men do look at porn, meaning this thought could easily creep into the mind of the young women around you.
So I caved. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it was also exciting...until reality hit. What I did didn't make me more desirable, it made my value decrease in his eyes. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either and having so little respect for myself (and the man I would eventually meet and marry) introduced new elements of distrust and hurt into our relationship. At one point I asked him to destroy the evidence, which he swore he would, but months later I found out he still had it. That's when I really knew what a mistake I had made. To this day, I don't know what happened to those photos. Someone who has no love or respect for me is carrying around blackmail that I delivered to him, and I have no one to blame but myself.
In retrospect, I learned some serious lessons that I want to share in the hopes that it will keep some other young person from making the same error.
1. Sexting is not innocent, it is sin. It involves stirring up lust in someone who is not your spouse. And, before you say it, it doesn't matter if you think he will eventually be your husband, it is still wrong before those vows are made to entice him in this manner.
2. You have no control over what happens to the evidence. Let me give you a scenario that has gotten many a girl in trouble. In a moment of excitement, she let's a guy take pictures of her or sends him an adult-themed "selfie". 2 minutes later she changes her mind and has him delete the photos. How many devices/friends could he have sent the pics to in that time? I assure you, when those pictures get out, you won't be labeled cool and he won't look like the "great guy" you claim he is. He will be labeled a "pimp" and if he's a pimp what does that make you?
3. The moment of excitement isn't worth years of looking over your shoulder. The first my parents heard of my endeavors was this year. The pictures were taken SEVERAL years ago. I was so ashamed that they would find out that I became utterly paranoid. Every time a computer was opened, I sweated it out hoping nothing was accidentally saved where they would find it. I always worried that the guy I sent them to would fess up to everything just to get back at me. Equally as bad as the above lesson about everyone finding out is the fear of everyone finding out and realizing that what happens in the dark always comes to light.
4. This behavior will not connect you on some cosmic level, it will make you an object. When you send someone pictures like this of yourself, you are telling the recipient that sex is all you are good for. Hear me clearly, that is NOT all you are, but it will appear that way. When they start to view you in this way, you have opened the door for more aggressive behavior. If you don't give in to sexual advances after you've sexted, you'll be labeled a "tease", if you do give in, you'll be called much worse. Don't open the door.
5. You could get both of you in serious trouble. This one I just learned about a couple of years ago. Although I and the other party involved were both adults, many minors are sexting. In many states, if 2 minors participate in this activity, they could both be in serious legal trouble. A minor girl who takes a picture of herself is considered a producer of child pornography. A minor boy receiving the picture is considered in possession of child porn. If he sends it to his friends, he is also guilty of distributing child porn. Depending on where you live, penalties could range from fines and jail time to being added to the sex offender registry. It gets real really quick, huh?
As always, I end this entry by telling you that there is redemption. If you have sexting in the past, it needs to remain there. God will forgive you and as I always say, you can have a future because you are not the sum of your sins. If you haven't sexted, good for you. Don't fall into the trap of wanting to be wanted in this way, you won't like the result.
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