The Truth About Lindsey

Warning: by the end of this entry you will know me better than you may have ever wished, if you don't want to know me well, stop now. You've been warned...

2013 will be forever known to me as the year I gained my freedom. I had been hiding a secret that for years kept me terrified of being exposed. I have alluded in the past on this blog about my pre-marital activities but I don't believe I've ever written it out plainly. Some of you have heard my testimony or "play doh" sermon (hopefully a video will be available soon so that will make sense), but I think it's time to be clear with my readers.

Earlier this year as we were gearing up for our second annual Get Real Girls Retreat in Tennessee, one of our speakers had to cancel a couple of weeks before the retreat and I was asked to step in for her. I really didn't want to. Last year I spoke about part of my testimony but wasn't ready to share it all at that first retreat. From the moment I was asked to speak, I knew in my spirit what needed to be said and I also knew that to do what God told me to, I'd have to fess up to some very important people first. Up until this point, only my fiancé and a few of my closest friends knew the truth about my seemingly stellar past. But I knew this was the time to share in the hopes of helping these young women I loved so much who I knew were following my path.

Out of respect for my parents, I wanted them to hear from me what I would be confessing so they didn't hear it through the grapevine. They were out of town so I texted and told them I had to talk with them as soon as they were home. The next 24 hours nearly killed me. I was so anxious that they wouldn't love me. That they would be disappointed or hurt or feel ashamed of me.

My fiancé came over and sat with me as I waited on them to arrive. When the time came, he put one arm around me and held my hand tightly with the his free hand. I started to cry as I told them that they needed to know the topic of my Get Real sermon. I looked at the ground and said "Andy is a virgin, but I'm not." My parents looked at each other as we all sat in awkward silence. After they asked for a few details, my mom asked if there were any other secrets following up with "I only ask because I want you to feel comfortable to share whatever God lays on your heart." I can't imagine they expected the list of sins I confessed, but I was brutally honest because their reaction up until then   warranted my cooperation. I felt so bad that at one point I asked if I had to return my wedding gown because I didn't deserve it. In a moment of lightheartedness, my mother replied, "it's ivory, don't worry."

Then she walked over to the couch, sat down by me, and put her arm around me. She said "I'm so sorry you've carried this pain for so long by yourself." When they found out that Andy had known for so long, they thanked him for being so respectful and such a good friend to me. I'll never forget what my dad said next. Growing up in a no nonsense house, I expected him to begin pontificating about my sins. Instead he said this, "I don't have a speech for this. You know what you did was wrong, but this condemnation you've carried was self-inflicted. God doesn't put that on you, you put it on yourself. Once you repented, the bible says you became a new creature, and there's no sense in walking around with this guilt anymore." Then he wrapped his arms around me, and prayed to the Lord that I could forgive myself.

And that was it. I was free from my self-inflicted prison.

Why am I offering so many personal details? Because you need to know a few things:

1. I know I can come across as severe when discussing sin especially of this nature, but it is because I know how these sins can destroy your life. Where as I have been accused of putting myself on a pedestal, I want you to know that I know what is to put yourself in a self-dug ditch of bitterness and anger.

2. For my young readers who have saved themselves for marriage, I want you to know how proud I am of you. And I want you to realize that saving yourself is best for you in every sense. Be like my husband, not like me.

3. For my young readers who fell in the same trap as me, I want you to know that there is forgiveness for what you did. The picture I painted of my parents is exactly how God sees you in your situation. You are not ruined. You are not worthless. God still has a plan for you, but the first step of that plan is repenting, which means not only saying you are sorry, but turning from that sin and running from it. Is it easy to have a non-sexual relationship when you've been used to one that revolved around sex? Nope. But with the Lord's help, I am proof that it is possible.

Please know that this post was well thought out and written on purpose. I felt impressed by the Lord to share this in the hopes of helping some other girl out there.

You are not the sum of your sins. God loves you enough to give you a future regardless of your past!