A Miracle and a "Mistake"

Children come into this world through all manner of circumstances. Sometimes pregnancies are planned. Perhaps a couple had been married for many years and just couldn't see their life as complete without a little life being added. Maybe a family struggled to conceive naturally and they turned to science to give their body a "boost" in the fertility department. Maybe a husband and wife ran out of options and adopted a child. Though this child isn't biologically theirs, their son or daughter was born in their heart long ago. In all these situations, the word most often used to describe their bundle of joy is "miracle". And that is no over exaggeration. When you think of all the hurdles that have to be crossed in order for conception to occur, miracle is the only word for that process.

There is a second type of conception. We jut talked about the planned (in some cases "ultra-planned") pregnancy, but not all pregnancies happen this way. Sometimes babies are born to unexpected, unprepared young people. These are the ones who "got caught" doing what the vast majority of their peers were doing. Sometimes babies are born to young professionals, just getting their feet under them, thinking they have the world in their hand, when one day a condom fails or they forget their pill and suddenly life changes. Maybe a baby has been born to a married couple who just "wasn't ready yet" for a baby, but for whatever reason they found themselves plus 1. Unfortunately, these miracles are often mislabeled as "mistakes".

I've heard parents throw that word around like it has no consequences. They use it as the running joke in the family. What they don't understand is that their child doesn't differentiate the situation from the people involved. Said another way, to the child, the parents' miscalculation is not the running joke, the child is. When a joke hurts someone, it's no longer a joke. Being called a mistake hurts, whether you are 5, 25, or 50. You feel unwanted, unloved, and worthless. The fallout can last a lifetime.

Perhaps the most painful thing to watch is a family in which parents view some of their offspring as miracles and some as "mistakes". I've watched it over and over again. If a parent were searching for a way to send sibling rivalry through the roof, this is how you do it. The "wanted" child is treated like a genius.  They are called beautiful or talented. The "unwanted" child can't really be called a disappointment because not much was ever expected of them. These actions of parents have far reaching consequences. After all, if your parent doesn't even want you, who else will? The seeds of deception that say an unplanned child is unworthy grow and grow like a weed that will choke out relationships, marriages, careers, and even faith in God. It's not a joke.

Regardless of the situation in which a child was conceived, it is not their fault. A child is not a punishment for sin or poor judgement. Treating them as if they were a Scarlett letter for which a parent should be ashamed is unfair. That child is not a mark on the parent for life, but the parent's comments could easily put a mark on the child for eternity. It doesn't matter why they came into the world when or how they did, God has a plan and a purpose for them. Remember what David said in Psalm 139 in His psalm to the Lord:

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed."

This passage tells me a few things about EVERY child that is important:

1. Babies are created by God, not man. When an unexpected child hears "I made a mistake" in reference to their conception, the child actually hears "You are the mistake I made". No child is a mistake. Ever. Children are not created by sex, they are made by the hand of God, and God doesn't make mistakes.

2. Unborn children are under the watchful eye of their Creator long before they are born. Not only are children (no matter their start) so precious to God that He would form them Himself, He loves them enough to never take His eye off of them as they grow. I think about my excitement as I had my first ultrasound. My husband and mother were with me as we watched our tiny baby swim around on the monitor. Our gaze couldn't be broken. When it was over and the Nurse Practitioner said the baby was beautiful my husband responded "I'm a good artist." That must be how our Father God views unborn children. He watches their development, seeing all their beauty in spite of their situation, and says "I'm a good artist."

3. God has a plan regardless of how the child was conceived. Every day of a child's life is mapped out in God's book. Before they can make any choices on their own, either right or wrong, God knows exactly what they will be. Not only can He see this miracle growing, He can see every day of their life until their life will come to an end. Now you tell me, why would the God of the universe spend His time watching and planning for that child if He saw it as anything other than a miracle?

All life is precious. All life comes from God. It's time we start acting like we realize that fact.

I Need A Resurrection

Today is Easter Sunday, and I need a resurrection.

Friday was not my best day. If you have been following my sister blog, “Unmaternal”, which is all about my pregnancy journey, then you know about a recent struggle I’ve had. There are people that I thought would be overjoyed about my pregnancy who have chosen to not be a part of this process. People who I thought would be fully involved in my child’s life don’t even want to be a part of his or her development. On Friday, I had just about enough. Here I was 14 weeks pregnant and was still yet to receive a call checking and seeing how the baby and I were doing. By this point I had gone to the doctor twice. I had an ultrasound these people hadn’t seen, heard a heartbeat they hadn’t heard about, and been assigned a due date that they didn’t know. I was hurt. I was offended. I was becoming bitter. My joy was gone.

I needed a resurrection.

I took this personal, not because of the offenders’ opinions of me, but because they were transferring that to my child. No one wants to think her child is unloved. The more I thought about it the more I was ready to snap.  In a moment of hormone induced sadness I posted a comment to my facebook page regarding the matter. I just felt like I had to get it out or I’d explode. My very kind friends came running to check on the baby and I and for that I am grateful. I had felt so alone and unloved, but my true friends lifted me, but then my emotions switched from hurt to worry.

The more I thought about what I had written the more I regretted it. Not because I wasn’t justified in my feelings, but because I let my flesh respond to a spiritual matter. The Lord has amazed me with the way He has worked in my life in the last year, and He has promised me that we are headed somewhere even more exciting. All I could think was “is this snarky comment worth destroying my reputation as a minister in another’s eyes?” God has too big of a plan for me to throw it away in a moment of weakness, and the same is true for you too.

As I prayed, it became clear to me that this scenario was an attack of the enemy against what I’m trying to do, and when I let my flesh lash out, I was letting him win. Then I realized, if these people are allowing themselves to be a pawn in his game, then they need my prayer now more than ever.  I also realized that I needed serious help.

I needed a resurrection.

I came to realize on this Easter weekend that I needed a resurrection of hope. I need a resurrection of love. I need a resurrection of joy. I need a resurrection of peace. But there’s a problem…

You can’t have a resurrection without a death.

There couldn’t have been an Easter morning if it hadn’t been for the events commemorated by Good Friday. When Christ’s flesh was murdered, He made the preparations for hope to be resurrected.

There has to be a death day before there can be a resurrection.

It’s as true today as it was then. If we want our hope to be brought back to life, we have to be willing to crucify our flesh. If we want our hope, love, joy, and peace to live, we have to accept a criminal’s death of our flesh.

I can’t stay bitter and expect peace to live in my heart.

I can’t maintain hate and expect love to be alive in my life.

I just can’t do it.

So I removed the post from my page, and I am choosing to remove anger from my heart. My flesh and every response that comes from it will die by my own hand. And this Easter I wait for my hope to be resurrected!

Keeping a Pastoral Family Together

I have been blessed to be a part of a ministerial family that has actually remained a family long after my brother and I grew up. Maybe that seems like an odd statement to you. I mean, aren't ministers supposed to have perfect families? While there are many stories like ours, I know too many pastors who have spent decades giving their lives to the call of Christ only to look up one day and realize they lost their kids. Their children grew up to resent their parents and often lose all respect for the church as well.

Barna group did an extensive study regarding adults who grew up in a pastoral home and reported the following results regarding children aged 15 and older:

40% went through periods of serious doubts about their faith
33% are no longer actively involved in church
7% no longer identify as Christian

Barna went on to give the top 7 reasons why their kids struggle with faith:

As a former pastor's kid and lifelong minister's daughter, allow me to explore these more in depth:

1. Unrealistic expectations others place on them. One of the biggest reasons I have maintained a good relationship with my parents when so many other PK's have felt betrayed by theirs is that my parents never treated my failures as a stain on their reputation. I've watched many relationships be broken because young people were told they had to be perfect to maintain their parent's position. That may not seem like a lot of pressure, but when you are living in a home purchased by the church, being fed by poundings, and your clothes are bought with first Sunday offerings, the idea that your pre-teen behavior could undo all that is terrifying. It leaves kids feeling like their parents care more about position and pride than the child's well-being. Barna found that 8% of pastor's biggest regret was not being more understanding. Your child didn't chose this path, cut them some slack. 

2. Exposure to the negative aspects of the church. Most people with a secular job never have to worry about their kids overhearing a board meeting in which their dad is talked to like a toddler, but pastors know this all too well. Most kids don't accidentally walk up on a circle of 4 or 5 "good church folk" bashing their dad, but PKs do. Those wounds cut deep and when the kids are old enough to decide what to do with their Sundays many would rather not walk into a viper pit.

3. Pastor is too busy for them. I know it may appear the preacher works 1 hour a week, but that's just not true. PKs live in houses where the phone rings non-stop, vacations are cut short (if taken at all), and their parents often break promises because someone at the church "needs them". Another reason I have remained close to my parents is that they NEVER made me feel like I was at the bottom of the list. If they said they'd be there for me, they were. This one is a huge cause of rifts in pastoral families. I would admonish pastors and their spouses to remember that the family was established BEFORE the church. Check your priorities. I know that church work is demanding, but every broken promise to your kid will take them one more mile closer to resenting you AND the church. The Barna study found that 42% of pastors' number one regret was that they didn't spend enough time with their kids. What will be more important to you at the end of your life: a standing ovation from hundreds applauding your work while your kids felt neglected, or your children seeing your love for God through your love for them?

4. Faith is not modeled consistently. Kids (especially those in a ministerial family) have a sixth sense when it comes to detecting hypocrisy. It will not be lost on them when you preach on love and patience on Sunday and spend the rest of the week jumping them over ever mistake. I know of a man in possession of ministerial credentials who preaches about the love of God, yet I once heard him call his son screaming about eating leftover food in the refrigerator and even cussed his son out on multiple occasions. Needless to say, that young man (now an adult) doesn't speak to his father-ever. You better make sure that whatever you are preaching is what you are modeling at home. This points back to #2. You are preparing your kids to say that all Christians are hypocrites because their parent, who seems to be the "head Christian" was one as well. 

5-6. Worldly influencers or peers and self-discovery and free will, resulting in rebellion. You will never keep your kids away from all the bad influences. I've watched many of my peers be held in a "plastic bubble" while growing up only to fall to pieces when they escape. Of course, I'm not saying to thrust your kids in the world. What I am saying is to talk to them and prepare them for what they will face and remind them of who they are. 

7. Failure to make their faith their own. Church kids in general, but especially PKs are often denied their right to question. Once again, I was blessed to be brought up in a house where questions were encouraged. My dad always had an answer, but he never bashed me for asking or even for not quickly accepting his answer. Kids who aren't allowed to question and are instead encouraged to swallow what they've been fed are doomed to fall apart the first time someone in the real world presents an alternative. 

It was the grace of God and the diligence of both of my parents that has kept our family close and even led my brother and I into ministry for ourselves. It would be my prayer that every pastor would read this and understand where our priorities must lie. Don't gain the world and lose your family. 

Why I Don't Talk About Blood Moons

Ok, so I'm aware that plenty of people who clicked on this link did so prepared to be very upset with me. I know this because I have had friends literally harass me on social media to the point that I had to block them because they constantly wanted to discuss this phenomena and I just didn't have the time. They got upset because they felt I didn't take it seriously.

For those who don't know, there has been a recent interest in astronomy stirred up among end-times watchers. Basically, there will be four specific eclipses beginning this week and ending next September. More specifically, they will occur during significant religious days, such as passover. Some ministers look at this and point back to Acts 2:19-20 “And I will show wonders in Heaven above and signs in the Earth beneath, the sun shall be turned into darkness and the moon into blood before the coming of the great and awesome day of the Lord.” The ultimate conclusion being that these blood moons could signify the return of the Lord.

Now, I understand why my friends are excited about this. As the world gets darker and more twisted, I find myself crying out "come quickly, Lord Jesus" an awful lot. But I haven't gotten stirred up about it because I have bigger concerns.

A few years ago I was traveling to our church's international meeting which was held in North Carolina. Of course, I was seated next to that woman. You know who I'm talking about. She was nervous and needed to talk non-stop to calm down. She asked where I was going and when I told her, she wanted to know all about our church's beliefs. I told her everything I thought was important, our views on salvation, holiness, and the Holy Spirit, but she had one question: do you think the world is going to end in 2012? I told her that we believe Jesus will return in what is called "the rapture" but that no one knows when that will happen. She kept pushing "but what about 2012?" I don't know if it was the Holy Spirit, my confusion on how to answer, or my tiredness, but my response was this, "I'm less concerned about what happens in 2 years than I am with the fact that I could die tomorrow and I have to know that my soul is ready."

And THAT is why I don't get caught up in these occasions that are labeled as signs of His return. Of course I believe in His return. Of course the inevitability of it should give us an urgency, but sometimes I wonder if we are so caught up in these theories that we forget we aren't guaranteed to make it to next September. Last year within less than a month's span I knew of at least 5 people I had some connection to under the age of 25 who died. That gives me a sense of urgency. I read of various nations that have their weapons pointed at countries in which the Gospel cannot be shared. That gives me a sense of urgency. I read of young women being sold as sex slaves. That gives me a sense of urgency. I read about the number of children being murdered via abortion. That gives me a sense of urgency. I can't help but feel this is the very reason no one can know the time or the hour: because it would kill our drive to reach the lost now.

Please know that I'm not bashing ministers who teach on these signs or Christians who share this information. It should be discussed, but here's the sad truth: a lot of preachers have laid out theories over the years that ended up being wrong, and now we have to deal with the fall out. Every time someone proclaims a date or a decade and they are wrong, they are handing ammunition to those who want to kill the church. That's why claims like this should not be handled lightly. Ideas like this shouldn't be used to peddle books or sermon series. They shouldn't be used to make the speaker famous or to get rich of his congregants who sell everything because they will have no use their possessions. If you are a prophet, speak it, but you best be sure you are reading the signs with a pure heart, because if not, the church will suffer.

So, again, please know this is not pointed at any specific person. I am simply sharing my feelings on this matter. If you want to keep preaching it or sharing it or discussing it, be my guest. I think no less of you for it, but be sure that in all the watching the sky, we don't forget to look around to those we are losing every day.

What Social Media DOESN'T Prepare You For

As I look through my various social media accounts, I generally end up praying a lot. I pray for needs my friends talk about, I pray about messages I have received regarding specific requests, and I pray for friends as their lives change and they struggle to find their identity. Regardless of what I pray for, I find myself working in the same praise report, "thank you, God, that I didn't have social media when I was a teenager."

As far as I can recall, I got a Myspace account my freshman year of college and a Facebook account a few years later. Don't get me wrong, I know my 28 year old self still gets herself in plenty of trouble, so I am by no means saying this epidemic is confined to minors. The differentiation I see is this: I've actually lived a bit. I've been grown and responsible for myself for a while, so I know that there is a great big world out there that social media doesn't prepare you for. For many young people, they think that because this is their common communication mode that it is the way of the world. It is not. Here are a few things that don't match up between social media and the real world:

1. Not everyone will think you are brilliant and hilarious. One of the luxuries of social media is that you can select your audience. You surround yourself with likeminded people who think every word from your mouth is golden because they are the same words that usually come out of their mouth. In the real world, you will be surrounded by people you would have never chosen to be around. In the workplace, for instance, you will meet people who-and I know this is shocking-won't like you. True story. Even if you are the smartest kid on the block, someone will ALWAYS be smarter than you. As far as your sense of humor goes, hilarity is subjective. Your friends may love your sarcasm, but a lot of people will hear your snarky comments and think you are a jerk. Maybe you have a very innocent, non-abrasive humor, well, the sarcastic people will find you boring and irritating. The point is, don't let all those "favorites" or "likes" make you arrogant. I assure you, someone in the world will be waiting to pop that big balloon on your shoulders.

2. You can't just "unfriend" people you dislike. I see comments all the time that go something like this, "if you don't like what I have to say, then delete me." It won't always be that easy. This method of throwing away relationships every time someone doesn't agree with you is not conflict management, it's childish. Now, let me again qualify this statement by saying I have absolutely deleted people from my friends list in the past and will continue to do so for a number of reasons. Most people who have ended up on this list have gotten there by posting offensive material on my wall or have done something to hinder ministerial pursuits. This is incredibly different than erasing people from your life because they didn't agree with you or because they called you out when you were in the wrong. In the real world, you will have to learn how to get along with people whether you want to or not. Sometimes you will have to cut ties for a number of reasons, but I assure you it will be much more difficult than clicking a button.

3. There will be consequences for your drama. For most people online, the worst thing that can happen is that you lose a few friends or the trust of people who thought more of you. In the real world, it won't be tolerated. Your employer won't stand for it. Your family will probably grow tired of it quickly. You may think it's funny or cute to keep people upset all the time, but no one else finds joy in it (unless they are the same as you, in which case, watch your back because I wouldn't trust anyone who behaves like that.) People find great freedom behind a computer screen, especially when they can maintain anonymity. They become cowards, taking shots at people that they would never have the guts to say to their face. Your bullying and backstabbing will leave you alone and untrustworthy. It's not worth it.

Do I have this all figured out? No. But at some point young (and some old) people will wake up in a brave new world only to find that the character (or lack there of) they have spent years refining failed them.