Keeping a Pastoral Family Together

I have been blessed to be a part of a ministerial family that has actually remained a family long after my brother and I grew up. Maybe that seems like an odd statement to you. I mean, aren't ministers supposed to have perfect families? While there are many stories like ours, I know too many pastors who have spent decades giving their lives to the call of Christ only to look up one day and realize they lost their kids. Their children grew up to resent their parents and often lose all respect for the church as well.

Barna group did an extensive study regarding adults who grew up in a pastoral home and reported the following results regarding children aged 15 and older:

40% went through periods of serious doubts about their faith
33% are no longer actively involved in church
7% no longer identify as Christian

Barna went on to give the top 7 reasons why their kids struggle with faith:

As a former pastor's kid and lifelong minister's daughter, allow me to explore these more in depth:

1. Unrealistic expectations others place on them. One of the biggest reasons I have maintained a good relationship with my parents when so many other PK's have felt betrayed by theirs is that my parents never treated my failures as a stain on their reputation. I've watched many relationships be broken because young people were told they had to be perfect to maintain their parent's position. That may not seem like a lot of pressure, but when you are living in a home purchased by the church, being fed by poundings, and your clothes are bought with first Sunday offerings, the idea that your pre-teen behavior could undo all that is terrifying. It leaves kids feeling like their parents care more about position and pride than the child's well-being. Barna found that 8% of pastor's biggest regret was not being more understanding. Your child didn't chose this path, cut them some slack. 

2. Exposure to the negative aspects of the church. Most people with a secular job never have to worry about their kids overhearing a board meeting in which their dad is talked to like a toddler, but pastors know this all too well. Most kids don't accidentally walk up on a circle of 4 or 5 "good church folk" bashing their dad, but PKs do. Those wounds cut deep and when the kids are old enough to decide what to do with their Sundays many would rather not walk into a viper pit.

3. Pastor is too busy for them. I know it may appear the preacher works 1 hour a week, but that's just not true. PKs live in houses where the phone rings non-stop, vacations are cut short (if taken at all), and their parents often break promises because someone at the church "needs them". Another reason I have remained close to my parents is that they NEVER made me feel like I was at the bottom of the list. If they said they'd be there for me, they were. This one is a huge cause of rifts in pastoral families. I would admonish pastors and their spouses to remember that the family was established BEFORE the church. Check your priorities. I know that church work is demanding, but every broken promise to your kid will take them one more mile closer to resenting you AND the church. The Barna study found that 42% of pastors' number one regret was that they didn't spend enough time with their kids. What will be more important to you at the end of your life: a standing ovation from hundreds applauding your work while your kids felt neglected, or your children seeing your love for God through your love for them?

4. Faith is not modeled consistently. Kids (especially those in a ministerial family) have a sixth sense when it comes to detecting hypocrisy. It will not be lost on them when you preach on love and patience on Sunday and spend the rest of the week jumping them over ever mistake. I know of a man in possession of ministerial credentials who preaches about the love of God, yet I once heard him call his son screaming about eating leftover food in the refrigerator and even cussed his son out on multiple occasions. Needless to say, that young man (now an adult) doesn't speak to his father-ever. You better make sure that whatever you are preaching is what you are modeling at home. This points back to #2. You are preparing your kids to say that all Christians are hypocrites because their parent, who seems to be the "head Christian" was one as well. 

5-6. Worldly influencers or peers and self-discovery and free will, resulting in rebellion. You will never keep your kids away from all the bad influences. I've watched many of my peers be held in a "plastic bubble" while growing up only to fall to pieces when they escape. Of course, I'm not saying to thrust your kids in the world. What I am saying is to talk to them and prepare them for what they will face and remind them of who they are. 

7. Failure to make their faith their own. Church kids in general, but especially PKs are often denied their right to question. Once again, I was blessed to be brought up in a house where questions were encouraged. My dad always had an answer, but he never bashed me for asking or even for not quickly accepting his answer. Kids who aren't allowed to question and are instead encouraged to swallow what they've been fed are doomed to fall apart the first time someone in the real world presents an alternative. 

It was the grace of God and the diligence of both of my parents that has kept our family close and even led my brother and I into ministry for ourselves. It would be my prayer that every pastor would read this and understand where our priorities must lie. Don't gain the world and lose your family.