Leave and Cleave

I have had the honor of being the daughter of the two greatest parents I know. I wasn't alway easy to get along with. Yes, I was a smart mouthed teenager (hard to believe, I know) that grew into a confused young adult who took my frustrations out on them. But through it all, they have been there to love and guide me, whether I liked it or not. Since being married, they have extended the same love and grace that I had known for so long to my husband.

At some point in our engagement, my dad had a very serious conversation with us. He made one thing very clear: running home was not an option. I suppose through years of moderating marital counseling he knew that newlyweds often consider going home as their "nuclear option" when things get bad. He told us that when you get married you make a pledge to God that you belong solely to one another. That means if you have a problem, you work it out together. You don't drum up support for your corner of the boxing ring. Most of all, you don't threaten to walk out, because running home every time things get bad is like saying "my life was better with them than with you."

He followed this up by reminding us that he and my mother will always be there if WE needed them, but there was no doubt what that emphasis meant. WE were to become ONE entity, that meant my parents would never take sides because sides no longer existed.

My dad was reemphasizing the biblical principle Jesus references in Matthew 19, "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (verses 5-6 NIV)

I constantly hear people talk about "the enemy's attack on marriage" in reference to things like gay marriage, divorce, and pre-marital co-habitation, but they leave out the glaring issue that even Jesus references-the inability of young people to leave their parents and form their own families.

It can be tempting when you are starting out to view your parents as a safety net. It can seem like your parents are the built in support system you crave. I mean, everyone wants to have the biggest cheering section during a battle, right? The problem is that marriage isn't meant to be battle, and it certainly isn't a spectator sport. The truth is, most newlyweds will never learn this lesson because too many parents go along with this tag team match mentality.

We've all seen it. A father who is used to being his daughter's knight in shining armor doesn't think her new husband is up to the task, so he tramples the young man with his white horse. A mother who has spent the last couple of decades meeting all of her son's emotional needs begins to feel like she's been worked out of a job when he turns to his companion. What ends up happening is that parents, feeling unwanted, set out on a mission to destroy the competition. They sometimes do it by bashing their new sons and daughters in law to others. Sometimes they even tear them down to their child.

The thing a lot of parents don't understand (because they don't want to see it) is that their child's spouse, regardless of what they think of them, is now a part of their child. They are ONE flesh, that means if you destruct your child's spouse, you are destructing the child you love. If you make a spouse unwelcome in your home, you make your child unwelcome in your home. If you call your son or daughter in law "selfish" "sneaky" or "stupid" you are saying all those things about your child.

Saying these things to your child about their husband or wife is at best paranoia, but at worst it is encouragement to break a vow to God. You think that's drastic? Well, the King James Version of the above verse calls for a husband to "cleave" to his wife. To cleave means to not let ANYTHING come between you. When a parent puts doubts in their child's mind about their spouse, they are planting seeds that can be easily watered by the enemy and grow into discontentment.

In the same way I call on parents to not place these doubts in their children's minds, I call on newlyweds (and almost weds) to not allow room for those doubts. Learn to set boundaries. At the end of the day, the health of your relationship is reliant on you. If anyone begins to tear your spouse down, be they family, friend, or foe, understand that it is an attack on you. Make it clear that you won't entertain such conversation. You are to love your spouse as you love yourself. If you wouldn't want it said about you, don't let it be said about them.

The bible makes it simple: we are to "leave" and "cleave". Once you are married, your spouse becomes your family. I am NOT saying that you can't love your family but it needs to be understood by all parties where priorities lie. I couldn't imagine my life without my parents in it, but part of the reason we have a good relationship is that we knew long ago that my commitment to my husband needed the most important relationship I had, for the sake of myself, my husband, and our kids.

Honor your spouse. Honor your children. Most of all, honor vows made to God.