HOSTAGE DEMANDS
The first hints that a woman has her priorities confused comes well before the ring. When I was single (in a previous relationship), I definitely upped the pressure on my partner every time another girl got engaged. Watching quasi-friends get engaged led to jealous comments like "what's so special about her?" and "that ring is so tacky" Along with these embarrassing thoughts came desperation for answers to questions like "why did she deserve it and I didn't?" When these comments became part of my stream of consciousness, I proved exactly why I wasn't ready. I didn't care about building a life with a man I loved. I didn't care about filling our hallway with photos of kids and grandkids, I cared about filling my Facebook with humble brag photos of my ring, strategically photographed so as to make it glimmer and flaunt the size without being obvious. You know, like this gem:
(*face palms self)Proposal obsessed girls often share an interesting pastime: creating hostage demand lists. A quick Pinterest search for "proposal rules" reveals the prevalence of this trend.
What's funny is that when girls initially started posting these plans, their were only maybe 3 request, there are now near-pages of what is expected. The reason is simply this: it's not enough to have a good proposal, it has to be better than everyone else's.
Here is a real example found during a search:
Let me say, I fully believe in number 1, not because it's romantic, but because it is respectful. God trusted my father to take care of me growing up, and he deserved a chance to give his input. Now for another confession: I asked for almost all these things for my proposal, and I got them all. Yes, it was nice, but it really didn't matter. Once I saw Andy and knew what was going on I went temporarily deaf and couldn't hear any of it anyway.
The point is this: you can't compare your relationship to anyone else's. If you have truly placed your relationship and future in the hands of God, then you have to trust that if He wanted you to have the type of proposal your friend had, then He would have placed you in the same type of relationship as her. God is not Henry Ford. He doesn't work on an assembly line, He is a customizer. When you allow Him to, He creates the love story specific to you, not comparable to anything or anyone. And when you realize that, you no longer care how your story stacks up in the twitter sphere.
PUT [THE RIGHT] RING ON IT
When I was younger I came up with what I thought was the best litmus test to prove I had the right guy. I figured if he was the right one, then he would get me the right ring. If he showed up with the wrong size or shape diamond, clearly he didn't know me well enough for me to pledge my life to him.
This was one of the most ignorant things I have ever thought up (and we all know I've had my share of moronic thoughts.) I get it from a practical side, you have to wear this thing the rest of your life, you want it to look good, but obsession with the ring is perhaps the biggest sign of priority confusion. There's no way around it, it's materialistic and not the way to start out a new life together.
Of all the things you will learn about men once you are married, very high on that list is that men need to feel like a strong provider. How do you think it makes him feel to know he can't get what you demand? I've even heard the theory that the quality of the ring represents how good of a provider he will be, thus if a man buys you a more reasonably priced ring, he will take better care of you. To that I say, "the devil is a lie." What is more important: providing a huge rock, or providing stability by using wisdom? Don't be confused or led astray by the trappings of this world. The measure of a good man is built on his ability to lead you into God's purpose, not his ability to max out a credit card. Just ask yourself, is the perfect ring worth putting your husband into debt? (*hint: his credit will soon be your problem as well)
IT'S MY PARTY
When you get engaged you are immediately expected to get your plans together. Whether your engagement is 2 months or a year, planning consumes your life. After all, this is YOUR big day. I had a fabulous wedding, mainly because my mother worked on it everyday. I got engaged the weekend before Christmas and married at the end of the following August, and she literally did something everyday in between.
The problem with most engaged couples is that they are so consumed in planning the party that they take no time to prepare for what happens afterwards. Who has time to discuss minor issues like if you will have kids or how you will discipline them when there are pressing matters like what color napkins you will order? No one wants to discuss their debt or how they can tackle it while charging thousands of dollars for a honeymoon-it's just a mood killer. This is why I 100% believe that ALL couples need to go through pre-marital counseling. It ended up being one of my favorite parts of wedding preparation. Yes, it was uncomfortable at times, but it was absolutely necessary.
Getting lost in all the wedding planning is almost an inevitable struggle for the engaged couple, but if the full focus is on the party and not the marriage, you have a serious problem on your hands. I assure you, marriage is NOT a party. Yes, there are amazing aspects to marriage done the right way, but soon you will find that the world no longer revolves around you and your happiness. Sorry, but at some point, you have to take the tiara off and go back to the real world.
In your zeal to get down the aisle don't forget that proposals aren't about demands and marriages aren't about partying. Getting married may be a milestone, but marriage isn't. It is one of the deepest, most difficult commitments you will ever make. It is a promise not just to your spouse, but to God, and thus should never be entered into for any reason other than to bring glory to God. If your focus is on the ring, the proposal, or the party, you just aren't ready.
Stay tuned for part two: when the party is over
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