Marriage Part 2: When the Party's Over

My last posting was a lament regarding the current view of engagement for most young women in America. Faced with the awesome privilege and responsibility of matrimony, many young people view it as nothing more than an opportunity for a party. They spend months planning for one day, giving very little thought to what happens when that day is over. But eventually, the honeymoon period does end. At this point we watch young marriages disintegrate in the harsh light of marital day. It is with that in mind that I try and open the eyes of my young friends looking to marry.

The Tiara Comes Off

The worst part of any party, no matter how long you've planned or how great the event was, is that eventually you have to clean up. Perhaps the biggest mess created by making a wedding into a party is that you spend months being the center of the universe only to discover when it's over, you are just like everyone else. Throughout my engagement I heard an odd statement that I could never fully grasp, "this is about you, you need to be selfish right now." This was uttered with the best of intentions as people wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams and wanted me to feel okay about making demands. The problem with this mentality is that it doesn't match up with an event that is lauded as a celebration of love. If a wedding is about love then you can't be selfish in planning because love is NEVER selfish.

Nothing says "it's my day" more than the importance placed on the walk down the aisle. The first thing I knew in planning my wedding was that I wanted my close friend, Glynis, to sing "At Last" as I entered the sanctuary. And she did it to perfection. As I planned I could just imagine the doors flying open, the light shimmering behind me, and several hundreds of people looking at me. That is pretty much how it happened, although when the doors opened I immediately locked eyes with my groom and didn't notice those around me. The truth is, it's a nice thought that you would have the room captivated even if just for a moment. Everyone should get to experience that.

But that's not what it's about. That walk should be about more than attention, it should be about a passage into a new stage of life. It's about leaving your old life behind and placing your trust in your spouse to meet your meets. Yep, that moment is nice, but if you spend your engagement believing the world revolves around you, you are in for a dizzying realization the next week when you suddenly have to care more for your spouse's needs than your own. My advice is this: learn sacrificial love (not just compromising love) during your engagement. Don't put it off until "your day" is gone. Get the practice in now, because you won't be the princess at the center of the ball forever.

Vows Aren't Just Words

Although many young couples are now creating their own vows, most still contain something similar to the standard "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". Those words seem like an easy thing to commit to in the planning process. I mean, if all it takes to get some fancy wedding photos to show off is to recite after a preacher, why wouldn't you agree? But there is a reason for that promise. You probably will have days when the money runs out (particularly if you break the bank to make your Pinterest wedding dreams come true). It's a lot harder to view your husband as your knight in shining armor in those moments. You probably will have days when you have more than you do right now. In those moments you have use wisdom and cooperation to do the right thing.

You agree to sickness and health because those are inevitabilities. You say, "Lindsey, I love my boyfriend. I would stay with him through anything; cancer, disability, death." That's admirable. That should be expected from someone vowing a lifetime to another. But what if it is a mental illness you have to deal with? What if it isn't a matter of your sweet spouse being physically incapable, but rather of him falling to pieces mentally, to the point that he is a different person entirely. What happens then?

The Man of the House

One of the hardest things for me in marriage is a struggle I imagine to be common for many young American women heading into marriage. I got married at age 27. I was strong and independent. I have been able to take care of myself for some time now and had no interest in allowing a man to "take care of me." Here's the problem: God created men as our protector and provider. Men have an innate need to fulfill this role. I find myself having to step back often and give my husband the liberty to do just that. Yes, I could meet the needs on my own, but that would be destructive to us as a couple because it would be destructive to his psyche. I urge my young female friends to allow the Lord to check you on this one. I am by no means endorsing allowing a man to walk on you or saying you don't stand up for yourself. I am merely saying we have to realize how this affects men and allow them to realize the position God created them for in your family.

You Aren't Committing To Your Spouse

This one seems odd. With all the talk about marriage being about your spouse and the commitment to once another, you may be confused by my statement. Your vows are not just a pledge to your spouse, they are a pledge to God. You are telling Him that you respect His institution of marriage. This matters because a pledge to man is easily broken, pledges to God are not. Marriage is not a contract in the eyes of your state, it is a contract between both parties and God. Marriage isn't about being with the one you love. It's not about meeting all their needs. Yes, you will learn to put them first because that's what love does-it prefers others. But those are side effects. Marriage and family is about being an expression of God's love here on earth. In a time when vows mean so little, the church has an obligation to prove that there is such a thing as selflessness.

So after reading this you may be thinking, "wow! Lindsey must really hate married life." Far from it! I love the fact that God gave me a partner to cling to. I love that He gave me a kind, loving, supportive husband to be there through all the ups and downs. I love that our love has shown me new depths of God's love. I love that I get to be a part of something as sacred as marriage. But I don't want to sit by quietly and watch any more young friends walk blindly into the institution without realizing what they are getting into. Marriage is beautiful and sacred. Don't make God the first thing in your relationship, make Him the only and you will have a beautiful life ahead.