When the Mills Stop

Long time readers of my blog may remember an entry from last January entitled "The Mills of God's Justice", in which I discussed my mother's relative who was awaiting trial for molesting her and others as children. More than 50 years after his trespasses, his victims found the courage to come forward and he was arrested in December of 2013.

Over the past year, this man has been awaiting trial from his jail cell. We waited. The trial date was moved numerous times. We waited. Attorneys changed. We waited. Charges had to be renamed and brought before the grand jury again. We waited.

The wait is now over. This ordeal has ended.

The victims never made it to the courtroom.

The defendant passed away last week, before the trial could commence.

Our family wishes to thank all for the support, prayers, and love during this time.

Let me say how proud I am of each and every survivor who has come forward in this case and in others like it that are brought forward everyday. In an environment that seems to be increasingly hostile towards survivors of abuse who come forward as adults, their actions are nothing short of heroic.

Please continue to pray for those who came forward in this case that they would find peace and closure.

As this chapter closes, I pray the same blessing upon them that the Lord spoke to Moses for the Israelites:

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’ (Numbers 6:24-26)

Mary's First Name: "Mommy"

Millions upon millions of people say prayers through one of the most important woman in the history of our world. Her name was Mary and she gained her notoriety by accepting God’s will in her life, which was to give birth to a son named Jesus. Around the world in countless languages people will pray this way:

“Hail Mary,

Full of Grace,

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the fruit

of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary,

Mother of God,

pray for us sinners now,

and at the hour of death.”

Of course, we Protestants don’t pray to Mary, but I share this prayer because of one very important line: "blessed art thou among women". “Blessed among women” has been her title for centuries.

Mary herself fortold that “blessed” would be her title throughout the ages.

In Luke 1, after she learned that she would become pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit she traveled to Judea to see her cousin Elizabeth. Mary says in verse 46;

“My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is His Name. His mercy extends to those who fear Him, from generation to generation.”

Even though she knew how special it was that God had chosen her, I wonder if Mary always “felt” blessed?

When I was pregnant I knew that Kai was a blessing from God, but there were times it didn’t always “feel” like a blessing. It didn’t necessarily feel like a blessing when I had to try 5 or 10 times to get myself out of bed. It didn’t feel like a blessing when my feet were so big I could feel water sloshing when I moved. It really didn’t feel like a blessing when I was in labor. Although I knew I was blessed to have him, “blessed” wasn’t the word I would have called it at times.

I wonder if Mary felt “blessed” as her young body changed. I wonder if she felt “blessed” as she walked through town amongst the whispers that hers was an illegitimate child. And I wonder if she felt “blessed” when she finds herself in Luke 2, away from her home, with a carpenter as a widwife, and nothing but some cloth to cover her newborn.

Luke chapter 2 reads like this:

“In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. This was the first census that took place will Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone went to their own town to register. So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Gaililee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, b/c he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, bc there was no guest room available for them.” (1-7)

What I love about the way Luke tells the story is that it is told so simply. He gets to the root of the story that we miss when we add pieces to it. It doesn’t say “the ultra holy mary and joseph gave birth to the King of Kings." It says a man and a woman were expecting a baby, He was HER firstborn, and she did the best with what she had.

This scripture is the reason for the picture above. That is a photo of my son in the moments after his birth. It’s one of my favorite photos even though he is screaming and clearly angry. It wasn’t a silent moment. It really wasn’t that peaceful. But that photo marks 2 births; the birth of my son Kai, and the birth of the woman I was becoming. This photo marks the beginning of my new life and my new name-"mommy". No matter what I’ve been or what I’ll be, nothing is as important as that name-"mommy".

See, even though I didn’t always feel like “blessed” was the right word for how I felt, in that moment even with him screaming his lungs off, when they laid him on me “blessed” wasn’t the best thing I could be called, “mommy” was. In that moment I became his and he became mine.

The birth of Jesus wasn’t important to Mary because it made her blessed or holy or ready to be a saint, before she was “blessed among woman” she was simply-“mommy”. That was her first name that mattered. Luke 2 isn’t just about the arrival of a Messiah, at its base, Luke 2 is about a young woman doing the best she could for this son she would ultimately have to give up. It was about the moment when he became hers and she became his.

As she laid there cuddling her baby, angels appeared to nearby shepherds telling them of the birth of the Messiah. Verse 16 tells us, “they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

We always take that “pondered these things” line as if it were referring to the shepherds’ words, but I think it was more. I think she was doing what parents do, she was making memories of each moment.

When Kai was born I would spend hours holding him, smelling his skin, trying to memorize every piece of him. I refused to let andy use Kai’s hospital blanket for anything when we got home bc I wanted to preserve the way he smelled in those early days.

When the bible says Mary “pondered” these things, I think she did the same things. I think she was trying to remember the way his skin felt and how he smelled. I think she locked all those things away for the day when he wouldn’t be little anymore. Because to us Luke 2 is about our Savior, but to Mary, it was about her baby.

I know that seems very ordinary for the mother of Jesus to be doing, but if He was fully God AND fully human then it makes sense for him to do all the things a normal baby does, and if he behaved as a normal baby, then it makes sense that she would be a normal mom.

I wonder if she was sleep deprived like the rest of us. I wonder if she worried all the time about him.

When I first brought Kai home I worried he wasn’t breathing right, so I would literally stay awake all night and watch him breath in and out, watching his chest move up and down. I think if she did those same things, those were moments she pondered. I wonder if in those early, frustrating, draining days with  a newborn if she felt “blessed”.

I wonder if “blessed” is how she felt as he traveled performing miracles.

I wonder if “blessed” is how she felt as he preached to multitudes.

I wonder if “blessed” is how she felt when he started preaching hard messages that turned people away.

I wonder if “blessed” is how she felt when the people started to turn on him.

I wonder if “blessed” is how she felt as she stood at the foot of the cross where her son had to die as a criminal.

I have to wonder as she watched her son die a slow, painful, sacrificial death if all those memories she locked away, all the moment of “pondering” flooded back. She wasn’t just watching the death of the Messiah, she was watching her little baby give up his life when he had done nothing wrong.

As she looked at the edges of the wooden cross did her mind go back the edges of that manger where she was just a few short years before trying to do her best to take care of her baby when she was just a baby herself?

As he hung gasping for every breath, did she watch his chest move up and down up and down and remember watching him sleep as a baby and his little chest moving up and down up and down? As she saw the blood pour down did her mind go back to scraped knees and kissing away his boo boos when he would cry for “mommy”?

I can’t imagine she felt “blessed among women” in that moment. In that moment, just as with his first moments, I think all she was was his mom.

Nothing in scripture highlights their relationship more than where we find her in John 19:25. “Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, mary the wife of clopas, and mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, 'woman here is your son' and the disciple, 'here is your mother.' From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.”

I wonder if when he looked on her his memories came flooding back too.

Did he remember her gentleness when he had wondered off to the temple?

Did he think back to this woman who raised him in the midst of being falsely accused of becoming pregnant out of wedlock?

Did he, too, think of the times as a child that she would scoop him up in her arms and make his troubles go away?

He must have cared a great deal to look out for her well being in the midst of his death. Because at the root of their story is a mom and her son.

I think we work so hard to make the story of Jesus holy that we forget the purpose of him coming to earth. He made himself like us so he could minister where we are. We want to focus on him being fully God to the point that we forget he was fully human too.

Mary was indeed blessed among women and it was all because she said she would do whatever God had for her. And what he had for her was to raise a son who would live a life that was ordinary in a lot of ways and give his life for you and for me. He gave up his rightful position as God to come and give his life for you.

The truth is that when you accept his will for you, that you would be saved, you won’t always feel blessed. But you will always know the love of a savior who gave up all of heaven for you. Just as Mary didn’t always feel blessed, but knew her most important role was as “Jesus’s mommy”, you may not always feel blessed but your most important name could be “child of God.”

Separation of Church and Race

(Photo Personalliberty.com)

Anyone paying attention to what's going on in America knows that the land I call home has become a powder keg as of late. Following what are being deemed "controversial" court rulings involving high profile cases, protesters have taken over our streets in countless cities to voice their outrage. In both cases, African American men were killed by Caucasian police officers during attempted arrests.

There are some Americans who are angry because they think there is a war on the black population of our country, that they are the target of unfair policing practices.

There are some Americans who are angry because they think police officers have been unfairly vilanized by the media and even our leaders.

Yes, I have my opinions on what the outcome should have been in each case.

No, I'm not going to share my opinion because it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that these incidents have proven in one way or another that we do not live in a post-racism society. Whether these incidents were racially motivated or not, the fallout has proven that there is enough of a perception of racism to paralyze our nation.

Most disheartening to me in the last few weeks has been the response of some claiming to speak for the religious community. Watching "ministers" call for deepening the racial divide is painful when we should be calling for deeper unity among believers in these difficult times.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. After all, we have long known that the most segregated time in America is Sunday morning. We identify our houses of worship by the races that make up the congregations. If I were to use the labels "white church" or "black church" we would all have it in our minds what that means. We have convinced ourselves that this segregation is okay because it is giving people what they want based on their culture. But the truth is that religion has long been a central connector for community and culture and the longer we stay separated the more we will drift.

When religious leaders are seen calling not only for further segregation and distrust but for physical vengeance against what they deem a "racist society" they are actually calling for their followers to live in defiance of the prayer Christ prayed for all believers in John 17,

"I pray also for those who will believe in me through [the disciples'] message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." (v.20-23 NIV)

These were some of the last wishes uttered by Jesus before His arrest. In those moments before the ultimate unjust apprehension, Christ prayed that we would live in unity so that the world would believe in Him. So regardless of what race we are and what injustice we are claiming, if we are a Christian and our words are not calls for unity, then they should fall silent.

We, as children of God, cannot view the events around us as those who are godless, and we certainly can't react as they do. Colossians 3 offers a stern command,

"Now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (v.8-14 NIV)

We are one body, purchased by the blood of Jesus. Christ gave His life for us to live in unity and for anyone to encourage us to separate over something as silly as the pigment of our skin is to disrespect that sacrifice.

If our words call for division, they are wrong. If our words demean our brother or sister based on their race or ethnicity, they should not be uttered.

May God use men and women to call for the unity He demands of us. May the Church bind together to bring hope and healing to our communities and nation. May we see one another as Christ does, as one body, devoid of color.

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise." Galatians 3:26-29

Four Promises From a Christian Parent-Regardless of My Child's Sin

This past week I began seeing a blog making the rounds on social media. It was titled "If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent". Written by John Pavlovitz, these are his promises:

1.  "If I have gay children, you’ll all know it." He states that he will not treat their sexuality as a secret.

2. "If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them." But he makes great strides to let us know he isn't praying for them to change, but rather praying for them to be able to cope with what they were dealt.

3. "If I have gay children, I’ll love them." That one is just as it sounds.

4. "If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children." This is the portion that I am most bothered by when I see friends sharing this blog because he uses scripture to justify same sex orientation. He states, "God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, 'stitched them together in their mother’s womb'. The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very cells."

Now, I don't know this blogger. All I know is that someone who claims to have been in ministry for 17 years is getting a lot of praise for comments I cannot reconcile with being a Christian parent.

Knowing that I will be a parent in just a few days, I have thought often of what my child will become. And, yes, I have even thought of what would happen if he found himself ensnared in certain sins because I know that day will come when his sinful nature overtakes. With that in mind, I came up with my own promises, regardless of what the sin is he finds himself drawn to:

1. When my child sins, I will remember that he is like his mother. Romans 3:23 tells us, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (NIV)  My son will sin. Just like I have sinned. Just like his dad. Just like everyone else. I didn't want my sins paraded around for the sake of shame or glory, and I won't do that to my son. I won't treat him like his sins inconvenience or embarrass me as a minister. I will remember that he is human, and thus carries a sinful nature that has to be addressed.

2. When my child sins, I'll FIGHT for him in prayer. I have no desire to pray the way this blogger describes. I want to pray like my grandmother. When my dad was lost in sin, she was a warrior. She refused to let the devil have him without a fight. He would come home from nights of partying (usually accompanied by the kind of girl you don't settle down with), to find his mother praying over a tear-stained bible. The day he got saved he called his mom to tell her and she said, "I have something to tell you-you got saved tonight." When he asked how she could know, she responded, "I've been fasting and praying for 3 days." Loving your child doesn't mean you lie down and let the devil take them because you don't want them to feel uncomfortable with your disapproval, it means you get up, you put on the armor of God and you stand your ground. My child does not belong to the enemy of his soul. He doesn't even belong to me. I gave him to God the day I found out I was pregnant. I have prayed over him everyday of my pregnancy. I've put in my time before the throne of God and the devil will have Kai over my dead body.

3. When my child sins, I'll love him. This is the one point Pavlovitz got right! My son is worthy of love no matter what. I will give him the type of Godly love described in Psalm 103, "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." (v.10 NIV) In the same way God's love for us doesn't make our sins less sinful, my love for my son will not make his sins less wrong, it just means I can see past them to the man God created him to be. Kai will always be my son regardless of his sins.

4. My child will sin, but he will not be the sum of his sins. I will not accept that my son is a sinner and nothing can be done about it. At the end of Psalm 139 that Pavlovitz used we find an interesting prayer in verses 23 and 24, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (NIV) Yes, God carefully weaved us in our mother's womb, but that doesn't take away the fact that we are accountable for what we do with the nature we inherited from Adam. Isaiah 43:1 says, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." (NIV) Unlike this blogger who seems fine with leaving labels such as "homosexual" on his children, God doesn't call you by the labels the world so easily assigns. He calls you not by labels, but by the name He assigned you-Mine.

I leave you with this thought: if your child had cancer would you say "well that's how God made them, full of defective cells. I love him so much I'm going to accept him, full of diseases." Of course not! If your child was sick you would run to the ends of the earth to find a cure. You would give up your own sleep, food, air, whatever it took to change his situation. Why would you treat sin differently?

The Loophole

When I married my husband, I made some promises to him in the form of our vows. There were the standard commitments: promises to love, comfort, honor, and keep in sickness and in health while forsaking all others. But we also promised to be each other's friend and love, to be there in laughter and tears, conflict and tranquility. We promised to be ourselves and to love one another for who they were.

Now imagine that after a year of marriage I become restless. What if my mind begins to wonder what is beyond the bounds of our marriage? Suddenly, those vows I made in love seem less like sincere promises and guidelines and more like a contract that was trying to stifle me. What if I spend days pouring over that contract searching for the most literal meaning of each word with the intention of finding a loophole I could escape through? In an instant, love no longer means exclusivity. Soon, "forsaking all others" is vague. I would start to think, "I didn't list out specific acts that are off limits, and if he didn't ask me to give up things specifically, I don't have to worry about it."

I would be a pretty shady wife at best, and an adulterer at worst. But that's what we do in our relationship with Christ.

My generation has become famous for talking about its relationship with Christ and how it's all that matters. The truth is, if we are in a relationship with Him, most of us are adulterous partners looking for a loophole, and according to Christ's definition of adultery in Matthew 5:28, we are cheaters long before any act is committed.

I constantly see blogs and commentaries offering excuses for one thing or another. They address the "important" questions: "Can I be a Christian and curse?" "Will I go to hell if I drink?" "Is sexual sin really that bad?" Anyone who dares to suggest that a Christian should live differently than the world for the sake of either one's personal relationship with Christ or their witness is quickly labeled a Pharisee, a hypocrite, or just plain irrelevant. Those calling for holiness are accused of being judgmental and told they don't "understand grace".

Generally, these bloggers justify their answers by concluding that if the bible doesn't specifically outlaw something (and I mean to the letter), then it is fair game.

The problem is that for a generation that cries out "I just love Jesus more than anything! I don't want anything but Him!" the constant searching for a way out doesn't work.

Let's return to the aforementioned example of a marriage. I don't think of the boundaries of my marriage as something keeping me from excitement or fun because there is nothing beyond its fences that I want. I don't look for loopholes in my vows because anywhere away from my husband could never compare to the joy I have at his side. So it is with Christ. When you are really in love with Him, you don't look for a way out, because nothing on the other side of His presence could compare! In the same way I keep the unspoken rules of my marriage out of love and not obligation, we should out of love ask "what can I do to be closer to my love-Jesus?" instead of seeing His bible as a contract waiting to be torn apart.

Until we return to our first love, the incessant, childish questions will continue. Reading the Word of God isn't about finding arguments for or against certain acts, it is about intimacy with our Creator. Once you have rekindled that intimacy, your desires will change naturally because nothing-no drink, no sexual partner, not even salty talk-could compare.

Sing Over Me

A month ago I did not know the name Dennis Jernigan, although he has written some of my favorite worship songs. The prolific writer is known for compositions including "Who Can Satisfy" and "You Are My All In All". I became acquainted with his name recently during a conversation with a friend regarding the Church's response to homosexuality. You see, Mister Jernigan, an anointed songwriter and minister,  spent a large portion of his life as a gay man. His upbringing, his former lifestyle, and his DELIVERANCE from homosexuality are the subject of a new documentary entitled Sing Over Me. 

Jernigan's story, I fear, is a common one. Growing up in rural Oklahoma, he just didn't fit the mold of what he was told a young boy was supposed to be. He was artistic and preferred to spend time with female friends. This difference in personality coupled with an incident in which he was solicited for a sexual encounter with an adult male left the writer feeling as if he were, in his words, "something less than a little boy." 

His adolescent and teen years brought fear, confusion, guilt, and bullying as he began sexually experimenting with his male peers in an effort to find approval and affection he craved. After high school he attended ultra-conservative Oklahoma Baptist University. While he dated women at OBU, he continued to engage in homosexual relationships secretly. 

Sing Over Me examines the battles waged in Jernigan's mind. He found himself falling in love with a woman, but kept getting drawn into sexual relationships with men. He lived under a heavy calling, but was left feeling that God hated people like him, because Christians hated people like him. Like many living with the shame inflicted from living a double life, he became depressed and suicidal. 

The peak of the documentary is undoubtedly the story of his true conversion during a "Second Chapter of Acts" concert. As the Holy Spirit spoke through one of the group members, Dennis gave everything over to God. And in that moment, Dennis says he was delivered-instantly, completely. Time certainly seems to support this claim, because this man who stated he couldn't be aroused by a woman has been married for over 3 decades and has 9 children! 

This film touched me on a personal level. I have watched friends and family struggle with the same issues as Jernigan.  I have seen every approach possible from the Church, from telling them they are going to hell because God hates them, to being told that they just can't help what God made them, so they should continue in their lifestyle. 

Watching the pain on Jernigan's face as he described what it was like to live in such bondage left me desiring to do more to help this community understand that there is complete freedom through Christ Jesus. 

To my friends seeking to more effectively understand and minister to the homosexual community (and we should, because they are souls worthy of our time), I urge you to watch this documentary. Hearing exactly how a man anointed and gifted by God could fall into such a  trap may open your mind and heart to understand how one can stumble into this sin without even knowing what they are doing. 

To my friends struggling with living a double life, rife with guilt and pain, I encourage you to watch as well. I would suggest you learn more about Jernigan's story, so that you can see there is hope, help, and healing through the blood of Jesus Christ. 

Sing Over Me is streaming FREE through the month of September. To watch this amazing story of love and redemption, visit www.singovermemovie.com. 

The Noisy Neighbor

My husband and I live on the second floor of a three story apartment building. The first few months we lived there we had a tenant above us. We barely noticed she was there. Then she moved and left a vacant space for about a month. A few weeks ago we got new neighbors...and they made their presence known.

Between the hours of 9:00 pm and 3:00 am they could be heard stomping around on the floor. I know it isn't their fault if the floors creak, but this was not just from normal walking. It sounded like they were playing tag, running back and forth at all hours.

Even though I am in and out of our home all day, I never saw them. Being able to afford high rent in spite of apparently never going to work and keeping odd hours,  there was only one possible explaination-they must be drug dealers. Yes, in my pregnant paranoia I became the noisy neighbor from Bewitched.

This past weekend I finally caught a glimpse of them heading into their apartment. They were much younger than me. Now, I know this is when the youth pastor side should have prevailed and mercy should have taken over, but my hormones temporarily blocked that.

Andy has to get up at 4:30 am to go to work, which meant their lifestyle was keeping him from sleep he desperately needed. I'm eight months pregnant and fighting for every minute of sleep I can get before our baby arrives. With this in mind, our limit was reached and Andy decided to go give them a piece of our tired minds and tell them they had better start keeping it down.

As he headed up the stairs, I waited just inside our ajar door, listening for the outbreak of a fight or gunshots or whatever was to come from the surely impending altercation (you know, because they are clearly cartel).

But I didn't hear any of that.

Instead, I heard Andy introduce himself very kindly as the downstairs neighbor (this didn't surprise me, because he is very kind even if he did get worked up over lack of sleep). Immediately a voice cut him off. No, not a drug lord, but rather a young woman saying, "I know why you're here. I'm really sorry for the noise." Then I heard her introduce Andy to their young son as her boyfriend joined her to add his apologies.

No, they weren't drug dealers. They were young, overwhelmed parents.

When Andy returned he told me that their son gets out of his crib in the middle of the night and that's why we hear running late in the evening. He's also learning to walk, so those "thuds" were just his attempts to reach milestones. They felt so bad they asked to bring us dinner to make amends.

Possible scenarios began to flood my mind again. Maybe this is their first time on their own. Maybe they really don't have a concept of how frustrating it is to live beneath that noise. Maybe they were kicked out of their homes based on poor decisions that were made. Maybe they needed someone to be kind and show mercy, so that they could know about a kind and merciful God. Maybe I needed to remember that in a few months I will need that same mercy as my son begins to find his place in the world.

Lord, forgive me for allowing selfishness to override the call you put on me to go to the least of these. Help me to show love and kindness to those who struggle around me and teach me to see them as souls and not lost causes.