Congratulations on your marriage. Condolences on your new relationship with your mother-in-law.
I get it, it's confusing and frustrating. How could the man you love so infinitely have been raised by a woman who seems to disdain you so deeply? How could it be that the things your husband considers your best qualities-your independence, your free spirit, your strong-will and determination-make her shake her head in disappointment?
And while we are on the subject of disappointment, how can someone be so judgmental about housekeeping? What difference does it make if you use fabric softener or wash your dishes by hand or vacuum on a regular basis? And why should she care? It's not her house. They aren't her clothes or dishes or carpets.
I know what it feels like to hear stories of women who have good relationships with their husband's mom. It feels like a knife in your stomach. You sit and wonder "what's so special about her? Why does she get the respect and I get the commentary on my inadequacies? Why does she get welcomed into the family with open arms while I get thrown under the family bus?"
It hurts. It hurts more than you want to admit. As tough as you are and as much as you don't need her to like you, deep down you know you want her to like you. It would just make things much easier. It would be nice to not get nauseous at the thought of spending holidays together. It would be cool to be able to tell your in-laws where you live and not live in fear that they may stop by.
I want to share with you, my headstrong sister, what the Lord showed me about this oft-painful relationship...
Her feelings toward you aren't actually about you at all. In fact, they were created long before she met you...perhaps even before you were born. She decided you were a problem the day your husband was placed in her arms. That love is unmatched. No one (in her mind) could ever love him like her. Not only did she give up rights to her body for nearly a year to carry him, she gave up her dreams and plans for the next decades to keep him safe, happy, and healthy.
You didn't do that. You can't even comprehend how to do that.
She gave her life for him to have one of his own.
None of this occurred to me until I had a son of my own. I pray for his future happiness. I pray for his spouse and want nothing more than for him to find a good woman who will love him and love the Lord even more. But...
it is NOT POSSIBLE for this GIRL to know how to take care of him like I do.
I'm the one who cools his macaroni and makes the perfect blue bubble bath. I'm the one who heals boo-boos with my kisses and taught him to walk. What will this GIRL know how to do other than how to get a husband waaaaayyyy out of her league???
These are seriously my thoughts...and my son isn't even two yet!
See, his future wife isn't the problem, and neither are you.
The problem is that when a woman becomes a mother, raising her child becomes her career. Whether she stays home or works three jobs, this becomes the most important role. And now here is this woman who has poured her heart and soul into this "business" and now, at the pinnacle of her success, her job is being outsourced. Her job is being handed to a rookie who has NO CLUE how to met the job requirements. Can you see now why she may be a little upset? The housekeeping and cooking concern her because she knows what her son is used to. She wants him to be comfortable and content, and it's hard to accept that another woman can fulfill that role, so instead of accepting it, she criticizes it.
It's probably not that she hates you...it's just that she loves her son and she's too blinded by this change to realize that loving him means she should love the one he chose.
And that's another thing to remember...he chose you. You already won his heart, so don't turn everything into a battle over it. But you have a responsibility in this victory...a responsibility to be gracious and remember that some day, God willing, you will be in the same boat.
Pray for her. Pray for peace of mind that her son will be okay. Pray for confidence that she will realize she still has purpose.
Pray for yourself. Pray that you will have confidence in your new role as wife and daughter-in-law. Pray that you will develop a genuine love and admiration for your mother-in-law even if she never changes her mind about you.
Then put legs on your prayers. Reach out. Ask her to teach you how to make one of her special meals. Spend time together. Ask her about stories from your husband's childhood. Applaud the job she did in raising a man so good that you choose to give your life to caring for him, and assure her that your goals and her's are the same-to see him happy.
Romans 12:13-18 may be a good passage to put up in your home,
"Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Try to see this scenario through her eyes, and your world may change.
Signed,
A Wife Who Wishes She Understood This Sooner
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