Forever Alone:The Death of Singleness

As I anticipate my wedding this weekend, I have done much reflecting on my 27 years of singleness. As excited as I am to get to marry my best friend on Saturday, there is a sense of finality of my former life that I wasn't quite prepared for. I was thinking about my "single life" and found there were a lot of things I wish I had realized at the time, because it would have made the journey much more enjoyable. I hope my single friends will review this list and do their best to enjoy this time God has given them.

1. Singleness is a gift from God, don't wish it away. Paul says in I Corinthians 7:7, "...God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others He gives the gift of singleness." Both marriage AND singleness are gifts from God, you are not more or less special depending on which He chose to give you in this season. Why would He want you to be single? When you're single, you are free (for the most part) to get up and do what God has for you. Once you are married (and especially when you have kids), that is severely limited. I look back and see so many chances I squandered in my singleness for one reason or another that I regret. As world-renowned missionary Jim Elliot said it, "Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." If God has given you this gift of singleness, enjoy it and live that life to your fullest for Him.

2. He makes all things beautiful in HIS time. I spent way too much time freaking out about when I would have a relationship or get married or start a family. The problem is that God's timing isn't the same as ours. Ecclesiastes 3 is a familiar passage that tells us that there is a time for everything in life. If you keep reading, you will find one of my favorite verses in all of scripture. Verse 11 says, "He hath made every thing beautiful in HIS time: also HE hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end." Verse 12 goes on to say, "I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life." God purposefully designed us in a way that we cannot know what He is up to! So instead of crying "why can't I just know what my future will be?!", do what verse 12 says and live life and DO GOOD. This is the reason I hate DESPISE the "forever alone" memes, like the one above. You are not "forever alone", in fact the bible says you are "never alone". You will be single until God says differently. So please stop posting these, it's inaccurate and honestly makes you just seem sad. (rant over)

3. Don't listen to the haters who say you need to lower your standards. At some point in the single girl's life, outside comments go from "how could a pretty girl like you be single" (which is very annoying, please stop saying it) to "you're just too picky." Now, I'm not talking about these girls who demand their mate be a certain height and weight and have a certain eye color or job, those are superficial and not worth my time discussing. I'm talking about non-negotiables. I'm talking about finding a Christ-following, respectful, kind person who would lay down his life for you. These standards weren't set by me, they were set by the Word of God in 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:25, respectively. To say that you need to settle for less than these is to say that God didn't have your best interest at heart when He inspired the scripture.

God has a purpose for you, right now, married or single, parent or childless. Your worth is not wrapped up in your relationship status, so keep your head up.

How Women Killed Ladies

Last night one of the biggest spectacles in young pop culture aired: the MTV Video Music Awards. This award show gives out trophies to the biggest pop music stars of the year. The show has become synonymous with shocking performances, and this year was no exception. The biggest headline today from the show was a stripshow performance by former Disney channel star, Miley Cyrus. Now, generally when I reference a video, I post it here so you can see it. I can't do that this time because this clip, which aired on basic cable, bordered on pornographic and had to be "bleeped" for using a slang term for the drug ecstasy. I'll give you the basic facts: she stripped down to nude underwear and began "twerking" on another performer, married father, Robin Thicke. The engaged Cyrus touched all over Thicke's body and even attempted to kiss his neck. She did some other, um, "acts" that I am honestly too embarrassed to describe. It was so graphic that even the audience of controversial artists seemed shocked.

To me, Miley is part symptom and part disease of our culture. The objectification of women, especially in pop culture is nothing new. She is part of the problem. Young female celebrities are perpetuating this idea that all attention is good attention. She promised a shocking performance and she delivered. This morning, she is on all the morning news programs and all over the internet. Mainly, she is being mocked and called all manner of names, but in today's culture, becoming "infamous" is just as important as talent-driven fame. I say she is part of the disease because performances like this spread the sickness of objectification to our young women. She is teaching our young women that this is perfectly acceptable and if you want to be known, you best start stripping down.

I say she is a symptom because she is a product of a movement that began before she was born. The women's rights movement has wreaked havoc in my generation. Somehow the message that women should be equal with men has morphed into "women should use their bodies as a weapon against men." You don't believe me?  Pick up a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. Considered a handbook for many young women, it is filled with advice encouraging women to "take control of their sexuality." The magazine encourages women to behave like men. That it is a double-standard to say that a man can sleep around, but women should remain chaste or risk being called "trashy". The truth is, there is only one standard, set by God because it is what is best for us.

These issues are filled not only with sex advice, but pages and pages about sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, as if to say "whatever consequence you have for this lifestyle has a solution." They often write about champions of "women's rights", such as lobbyists for Planned Parenthood and politicians who fight for "abortion rights". I was utterly confused by a guide to birth control they included that listed abstinence as neutral in STD protection, saying condoms were more effective. Huh? Their agenda is unbelievably blatant.

In my early 20's I read this magazine but hadn't picked one up again until this past month because I was interested in one of the cover stories. As I flipped through, I was shocked, convicted, and brokenhearted for the young women who would believe the lies it presented. One article in particular stuck out, "Sex on the First Date". It was about how barbaric it was to suggest not sleeping with a guy on the first date. I literally cringed when I read the line, "...old-fashioned expressions like the vile 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' are antiquated and harmful-they produce all this unnecessary anxiety and shame about something normal and natural: dating and sex." This was written by Jeff Wilser (cosmo September 2013 edition). Wow! What a shock-a man suggesting a woman have no-strings attached sex. I'm so impressed with your forward thinking, Cosmo!

This is what the world is telling your daughters and granddaughters. It says that "sex is no big deal. It's just a part of getting to know each other and what better way is there to get to know someone than showing them every piece God gave you?" Although I agree that women and men should be on equal footing, I despise the fact that in the process we have abandoned what it is to be a lady. God created men to be gentlemen and women to be ladies. Sex was meant to be a mystery reserved for our spouse. Your body was intended for your spouse, and your spouse alone. My heart hurts for Miley and all the young women who have bought into these lies. Lord, help us spread the word that we were meant to be more than the object of lust.

Why I Love My Church

As most of you know, I was raised in the Church of God of Prophecy. It is through this church that I am now a lay minister and pursuing my minister's license. I have spoken before of my disgust when I hear others trying to tear her down. Since deciding to become a minister in this church, it has become even more important to me to defend her. In the interest of full disclosure, I want you to know that for a short time, I attended a different denomination. While positive things happened for me while I was a part of a different fellowship, it also taught me the value of "home" and opened my eyes to the beauty of my church. It is with this in mind that I present to you (just a few of) the reasons I love the Church of God of Prophecy:

1. We believe that God can use whomever He sees fit. As a female minister, it is an honor to represent a church that tells me that I can present the Gospel just as effectively as any man. The church not only acknowledges women preachers/pastors, it also gives them full minister's licenses, and allows them the same opportunities as men in the church. In the same manner, I am blessed to be a part of color-blind church! Having started in the American south when racism was prevalent, it would have made sense for our church to be like the others and segregate, but we didn't. In a time when many denominations would remain quiet as their members and even pastors affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan, my church was installing African American bishops, and our churches were inclusionary of all races. In fact, I have heard stories of our church members being harassed by the KKK for mixing races in the church. One of my favorite photos is of my mother in her local church as a child in very rural Kentucky in the late 1950's. In the photo, she is surrounded by white and black faces alike, brought together by the hand of God. What a great heritage!

2. We still believe in holiness. We were founded in the holiness tradition, taking seriously that we are to be holy, as He is holy. We believe that we cannot be like Christ and like the world at the same time. When examining our history, you will find times when our forefathers pressed the limit into what seemed like legalism, but I believe that they had good intentions and were trying to give guidance to members. This brings me to my next point...

3. When we miss the mark, we admit it. My church acknowledges that we are but men and without the Holy Spirit as our guide, we are hopeless. Throughout our history, there have been times (as in the point above) in which good intentions were taken too far. When this has happened, I am proud to say that my church has admitted error and sought to rectify the situation. Time and time again, the cry of our collective heart has been, "Come Holy Spirit, be our guide!" We are fallible and we know it, but with His help we move forward.

4. Our emphasis has always been on souls, not dollars. Most of the mockery/criticism I hear about my church is in reference to our finances. We rarely have the nicest church buildings in town. Our churches are generally found on "the other side of the tracks". I have literally sat in our churches counting bullet holes in the walls where the church was caught in the crossfire of a drive by. I consider this a badge of honor for our church, not something to be ashamed of. Our church is in the middle of a crack neighborhood? Thank God it has remained there! Thank God for the opportunity to meet the drug addicts and the alcoholics and the prostitutes where they are! Do you really think those type of people would feel comfortable leaving their neighborhood to go to the rich people's church on the fancy side of town?

I've watched other churches poor mouth to their members to build bigger buildings, buy more expensive sound equipment, and purchase lighting fixtures and never spend a dime on outreach! You know why most of our churches don't have a lot of money? Because for one, we don't pursue the rich for their checkbooks. For another, we will send money we need locally to a church overseas because we think they need it more! Our churches are willing to scrape by if it means investing in souls, and for that, I couldn't be more proud!

5. We are a family like none other. There is a fellowship in the Church of God of Prophecy that I have never seen in another church. We look out for one another. You are my brother or sister. Your kids are my kids. I could tell you countless stories of men and women stranded away from home, and being taken care of by a COGOP member who never met them, but wanted to help. The greatest thing about this family is that we are looking for new family members! When someone joins our fellowship, they are taken in immediately, as if we knew them for years!

I love this church. It has taken care of me and my family. Its members have offered me the encouragement and support I needed. So view this as a warning, when you bad-mouth this fellowship, I consider that an attack against me, because a large portion of who I am is due to this church. When you mock her name, you are mocking my grandparents who worked 3 jobs to keep their local COGOP open because they believed in her vision. When you make jokes about her history, you are making jokes about widows who tithe on their social security and give more than they have so that their grandchildren have a chance to be a part of a church that tries to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

There is not enough time to tell you everything I love about my denomination. For more information about our international body, I encourage you to visit www.cogop.org. For my Tennessee readers, check out www.tncogop.com.

What if God Used SWOT Analysis?

I had somewhat of a daydream a couple of days ago. I was standing before God and He was going over a review of my life. He discussed the things I had done and said in ministry and in my everyday life. Then, He began to run down a list of all the opportunities He had given me and asked if I thought I had taken full advantage of them. He told  me that He had placed me in a ministerial family for a purpose. He told me He had allowed me to have certain connections with the purpose of extending ministry. It was a sobering thought to think that He is watching to see what I do with the opportunities and abilities I have been given.

This daydream reminded me of a strategic planning tool my dad taught me growing up that I studied more in depth while pursuing a business degree. This tool is called "SWOT Analysis". SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. The first 2 are internal in a business and the second 2 are external. Although it was intended for use in the corporate world, it's great to use in your local church planning and even as individuals. It's all about taking an honest evaluation of what you have to work with, using your strengths and opportunities and reducing your weaknesses and threats.

When I started out in ministry, I did a SWOT of myself. I discovered my strengths and found opportunities to put them in action. I discovered my weaknesses and surrounded myself with people who were strong in these areas, hoping that as ministry partners we could form a symbiotic relationship. I identified threats and did all I could to avoid them. But as I envisioned this meeting with God I began to wonder "Am I doing all I can with what He gave me?" Long-time readers know I struggled with comments that I only had opportunities because of my heritage. But what if God gave me that heritage BECAUSE of the opportunities it would present? Would it be an acceptable answer to tell Him "I didn't exploit those chances because of what people might say"? I don't think so. Likewise, what strengths and opportunities has He placed in your life that you make excuses not to use? What weaknesses and threats have you allowed to invade your life or ministry?

So I ask you to use this analysis in your own life, ministry, and church. Ask yourself, "if I were standing before the Lord today, could I tell Him I used every strength He gave me, improved each weakness, utilized the opportunities He presented, and minimized the threats against His Kingdom?"

Lies We Believe: My Soulmate Will Complete me

This is one of the most questioned and confusing topics I encounter when talking with young women. They want to believe that one day they will find "the one" and everything will make sense. There will be rainbows and sunshine and their life will be flipped upside down. This person will complete them. It will be like they were only half a person drifting through life, and he will make everything better. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard a church girl reference their "soulmate" I would be one rich little preacher. They are fixated on it. It goes from "I met the most amazing guy. He is my soulmate", to "I mean I think it's okay what we did because he's my SOULMATE after all", to "what am I supposed to do now? He was my soul mate and now he's gone."

What's so wrong with believing in this soul mate who completes you? First of all, the concept of a soul mate is not a biblical principle at all. Research it out. You will find it in Greek mythology, you will find it as a teaching connected to reincarnation, but you won't find it in the bible. Now some of you are racking your brains to disprove me. You are saying "but what about Song of Solomon 3:4, 'but I found him whom my soul loveth'?" Pinterest has done an awesome job of brainwashing my generation on this verse. It has become one of the most popular wedding verses in recent years. The problem is that as beautiful as it is, this verse, as with the rest of this book of the bible, is an allegorical reference to Christ and the church. Even if you were to read it as the literal relationship between Solomon and his bride, there is a difference in finding love and connection with someone and calling them your "soul mate".

Then you say, "well God made Eve for Adam." Yes, God made someone for Adam, but even if I gave in on this one, where does this leave the whole "when I find my soulmate everything will be great" theory? As I recall things weren't perfect after they joined together. If memory serves me right, we are all paying the price for what happened in their union. While I'm on the subject, Genesis 2:7 says, "Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being(KJV)." Some versions say he became a "living soul." It doesn't say "Adam became half a soul and he had to wait until God created Eve to become complete."

Yes, Eve was Adam's helpmate, but notice in the above verse Adam became complete with the breath of God, not with the creation of Eve. So it is with us. No man, woman, or family can ever make you complete. One of my favorite passages in scripture is Acts 17:24-28, which states “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything. Rather, He himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man He made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from any one of us.  ‘For in Him we live and move and have our being'..." We are complete only in Him.

What difference does it make if we think we are completed by our partner? The problem is that when we give a human the power to complete us when they are near, we simultaneously give them the power to leave us incomplete when they are gone. No man (or woman) deserves that right. We are completed by the breath of God alone and unlike completion in a relationship, no one can remove you from God's presence except you! If you allow yourself to find your being in a person, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because people are disappointing and life has a way of throwing us curve balls. To say we are only whole once we meet our spouse, is to call a large portion of our population incomplete. What of the widows or the abandoned or the women and men who never marry? What about the apostle Paul who said that singleness was a gift and that he wished everyone could remain single like him (1 Corinthians 7:7)? Are you telling me that the man who wrote more than half of the New Testament was only half a man?

I believe God brings people together for a purpose. I believe God was faithful in answering my mother's prayers that He would "prepare a young man's heart" for me. I believe that God placed me with my husband to do His work and that we each have assets that when used in conjunction will bring more glory to God. But all of those things do not mean my husband brings my completion. I am made whole by the breath of God alone!

Lies We Believe: All Guys Are Jerks

I once watched a youth pastor tell a group of teenagers (guys and girls) that all guys are jerks. When one of the other adults in the room questioned him, the (male) youth pastor argued that this was the truth, that all guys were made that way. I think he was trying to warn the young women in the room that they should be cautious of young men's motives. I suppose this was his effort to be like a dad to these girls and look out for him. But as a former teenage girl, I knew how this comment was processed by the girls. It planted a seed that says "if all guys are the same, why should I hold out for a good guy? My leader just told me they don't exist."

My issue with his statement is two-fold:

1. This is an excuse for girls to allow themselves to be mistreated. I was once there. I thought all guys were the same, so I thought I should never set my sights on a better relationship. I thought all boyfriends made fun of their girlfriends and ran out to bars and strip clubs every time the girl's head was turned. I figured that was normal male behavior because, I too, was taught that "all young guys are jerks." When I met my almost husband, I was terribly confused. He was so nice and respectful. He never put me down, he respected my parents and their home. He didn't chose his rowdy friends over me and when I told him I had issues with things he did-he stopped doing them. He defended me and encouraged me in every way. It was all so clear to me-he must be hiding something! Anyone who is this nice to me must be doing it to cover for something he did! All guys are jerks, so this nice guy routine must be an act! I had allowed that thought to almost ruin something good in my life. When we allow male-bashing, we are killing the hope these girls have at finding a good man. It impacts them further than we realize.

2. This is an excuse for guys to be jerks. How many times have we heard "boys will be boys" when a young man does something that is truly inexcusable? To tell a young man that it is in his DNA to act in a disrespectful manner is to give him a license to sin. I Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." That's the problem with "boys will be boys", we aren't talking about boys, we are talking about young MEN. I'm sick of excuses being made for them to act like perpetual 5 year olds, doing as they please worrying only for their own needs. God is calling them to be more. He is calling them to mature into the young men who will lead our homes, churches, and nation. Speaking as a voice for young women, I'm begging you-stop excusing their behavior. The young women I am trying to pour into deserve more than a kid masquerading as an adult.

I do not believe all young men are jerks anymore than I believe that all young women are manipulative. Yes, there are some guys who will run around and disrespect you, but there are also guys who are fighting to be real men of God and it undermines what they are trying to do when we lump them all together.

Women, we have got to stop the man-bashing! It's unfair and it poisons the minds of our young ladies. I know it is easy to get into our hen circles and roll our eyes at how dumb men are sometimes, but it has consequences. Girls, don't give up hope that there is better for you out there. Don't settle for a jerk just because you hear women talk about how they were mistreated. It is quite possible that the reason they were trapped with jerks is because they bought into this lie too. There is nothing wrong with having standards for the way a man will treat you.

Having standards in a relationship is biblical. Ephesians 5:21-29 lays out standards in the marriage relationship when it says, "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church."

We often hear the standard that women are to submit, but somehow the part about the guys gets left out.  It is God's intention that the man you marry would love you so much that he would give his life for you. That means not only being willing to die for you, it means living for you as well. This passage tells us that in the same way Christ did what He had to do to make the church holy, the man should do what he has to in order for the woman to be holy. He will lead the relationship in a Godly manner, he won't pressure you into going against God's word, he will live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. It tells us that he should take care of the woman in the same manner he cares for himself.

You say, "but Lindsey, we aren't married, we are just dating." That may be true, but hopefully you aren't in a relationship with someone whom you could not see yourself marrying one day (that's a whole other blog), so you need to make sure that the person you are with could fulfill these requirements.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with having standards and I want you to know that those standards can be fulfilled! Not all guys are jerks, so you don't have to expect less because you've been told it's impossible to find a good guy. Don't let someone else's bitterness destroy reasonable expectations of a healthy, Godly relationship with a good man.

Lies We Believe: I Can Fix Him

There is an epidemic in the church. It has been going on for a long time and has been perpetuated by parents and even ministers. It is a sickness my mother refers to as "winners dating losers." I've watched over and over as beautiful, bright, gifted, spiritual young women invest themselves in relationships with "bad boys". Now you are confused. "Why would ministers and parents encourage this?" Because they are treating these girls like saviors. I know when they encourage these relationships it is because they are concerned for the young men and think these girls can help, but I'm getting tired of watching our young women being sacrificed for it.

Please know that this is not meant as a male-bashing blog. I detest that, in fact, you will soon see an entry from me as to why it's not fair to constantly put guys down. But the fact is that I can't think of many situations in which this scenario has been the other way around. The parents of wayward girls rarely throw a Godly young man on the bomb that is their rebellious teen.

What's wrong with using young women as an influence? Nothing. The problem is that while they can be a good example, they cannot be a  redeemer. It is not right to put that kind of pressure on a teenage girl. My young readers are saying "but Lindsey, I love him so much, I can fix him. Sure, he's running all over town partying and cheating on me and making me look like a fool. But soon, he will see how much I care and he'll change." My short answer-no he won't. My long answer-The only one who can "fix" him is God. Reason this out with me. You say he will change because you love him. I assure you that you can't possibly love him as much as God does and if the love of our Creator isn't enough to make him want to change then what makes you so bold as to think that you can?

You can pray for him, you can be a good example, but you can't change his heart, only God can. Ezekiel 36:26-27 says, "And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations." You want that guy to change? Then take your hands off the situation and give him to God. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

Right now, you are doing what I did in the past. You are thinking of examples in which it worked. Where the girl was instrumental in the guy changing. The best example I have of this is my own parents. My mom was the sanctified Christian girl who was in the church every chance she had. My dad was the partying bad-boy who rode his motorcycle up the church steps just to be a jerk. He was a drunk and a liar. My dad's mom was the only person who had faith in him, and she was my mother's only encourager. He led my mom to believe he had changed, they were married, and at the altar when they said "I do" and kissed she tasted alcohol and knew she was in trouble. After a couple of rough years of marriage, he got saved.

So did I just undo my whole thought with that last story? No. I told it to let you know that is the exception NOT the rule. Sure, they have a great marriage (of 36 years) and life now, but it was prefaced by some pretty horrendous times. They frequently fought and his lifestyle made her the joke of her friends and families. You see, even though things worked out for my mom, there is a reason she keeps asking me to teach about "winners dating losers." There is a reason that she has talked to me at great lengths about her fears for these young women, and there is a reason why I have watched her pray over these girls, calling them by name. She knows first hand that there is a reason we are warned in 2 Corinthians 6:14 not to be unevenly yoked. Her heart breaks for these girls because she knows the road they are headed down. Yes, her prayers and Godly example were instrumental in His conversion, but she would tell you herself that she didn't fix him, God did.

Girls, you can't fix a guy. No matter how hard you try. The truth is, the harder you try, the more likely you are to stumble yourself. The more time you spend with a guy who isn't right with the Lord, the more hurt you will end up. Your only hope is to step aside until God does a work in his life-this is best for you AND him.

Lies We Believe: No One Else Will Want Me

I have sat many youth groups in which we were told that if we had sex with someone before marriage then we ruined ourselves. We were made to feel like if we had sex we would be dirty with no hope of getting clean. We were told that pre-marital sex is throwing away "a gift for your future spouse." I know that at the heart of these statements, leadership was trying to tell us that God's plan is best and perhaps even scare us by telling us that there is no going back once we have taken those steps. While I don't blame leaders for these tactics, there is a consequence to those statements that they may not understand. They forget about the half of the room that has already engaged in sexual activity. They also don't leave room for redemption in the minds of those "good church girls" who will have sex in the future.

I know those youth pastors think that when these girls are in the back of a car they will hear their voice and stop in their tracks. They might. But when you address the issue of sex in this way, the girls who decide to have sex anyway will probably hear your voice the day, week, or year after they've had sex. In those times, when she realizes the relationship is in trouble and she needs to get out, she will think back and realize that according to you she's blown her chances at a good guy. She begins to feel like she needs to make things work with the wrong guy because no one else will want her.

Please know I'm not trying to tear ministry or abstinence teachings down. Far from it. I'm simply asking you to think about how these issues are addressed. Of course we should teach our girls AND guys to save themselves for marriage. That's God's plan, it's the only plan that works. I know that for many of you it seems crazy that a teenager would think like that. But trust me, as an ex-teenage girl, we don't think rationally.

So these are my words to the young people who have already had sex:

1. You are not ruined. This is the one that loomed over my head for years. We put ourselves under condemnation. Do you know what condemnation means? It means a sentence. Like a death sentence or a prison sentence. That's what we do. We think that because we gave in that that is the end of us. Unfortunately, too many churches contribute to this condemnation. Condemnation never comes from God, it is an attack of the enemy. Romans 8:1 tells us, "so now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." You are not the sum of your sins. There is more to you and you still have good things to offer. Once you have repented of your sin (asked forgiveness AND turned from it) there is no need to live in guilt. God forgave you, forgive yourself.

2. You are not doomed to a bad relationship. This falls in the "2 wrongs don't make a right" category. Church girls in particular have a tendency to think that if they can work things out with the guy they slept with it will make it ok. "If he becomes my husband then it's ok that we did that." Wrong! Even if you only sleep with one guy, he becomes your husband, and you are married for 50 years, it was still sin to have sex before you were married. There will still be consequence in your marriage because you disobeyed God's law. I once heard a minister say that one problem with pre-marital sex is that you become accustomed to sneaking around. You get addicted to the excitement of possibly being caught, once you are married that excitement goes away, and that's what leads many to cheat. I don't know about you, but I don't want to help my husband practice for being sneaky.

Unfortunately, many girls use the "we need to end up together to make this ok" solution as an excuse to stay in relationships with guys who are bad for them; physically, mentally, and obviously spiritually. It would be great for God to do a work in BOTH of you to where you could move past your bad decisions and walk in God's will together, but most of the time, someone in the equation doesn't want to change. If he decides not to turn towards God and His Word, then you should know that you don't have to be stuck with a bad guy just because you made a bad decision.

3. You can have a fresh start. In church we put a huge weight on being a virgin when we get married. Again, this is what's right, it is also possible if you work very hard. I remember getting a "True Love Waits" ring when I was 16. Inside the box was a paper that talked about the ability to be a "born-again virgin". It made me so mad! "How dare they say someone can get a new start after they had sex?! I'm living a perfect life and I don't get to do any of that...and they say these trashy girls get a fresh start?!" I was pretty judgmental...and then life happened. I thought I was missing out, the truth is I was missing out on disrespectful relationships, pregnancy scares, and feeling empty. 

I Corinthians 5:17 says, "...anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" The person you used to be (as well as the person I once was) is dead. You can start new. Having to sit my now fiance down and tell him everything I had done in the past was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. My conditioning told me that he'd leave me because I was "ruined" or "trashy" for what I had done. Instead, he stayed with me. He committed to help me by not putting ourselves in tempting situations. Don't allow yourself to think that no one else will want you after what you've done. Yes, it was hard to tell my almost husband what I had done, but as a strong, Christian man he offered me the same grace and forgiveness that Jesus does. Of course he would have preferred I waited for him, but he loved me enough to move past it. You have just as much chance of finding a good man as the girls who saved themselves. Your options are not limited to staying with a jerk who brings you down or being forever alone.

You see, there are good guys out there, and you deserve one, even if you weren't always the best you could be. There is hope for your future regardless of your past. Once again, do not use any of these comments as excuses to have pre-marital sex because it is a sin for which there is no excuse. However, as with all sins, there is forgiveness if you ask for it.

IT IS BEST TO WAIT. That is God's plan and He made it His plan because it is what is best for you.  But I want you to know that there is hope for you if you have already given in to pressure (or if you have pressured someone else). You are not a lost cause. Regardless of your past, through Christ you can be the strong, beautiful, SPIRITUAL woman He called you to be!

The Unwelcomed Guest

I'm getting tired of hearing stories of how the Holy Spirit used to move in churches. Please understand, I don't mean this disrespectfully. It's great the the Lord moved in such a way that people still remember it so vividly 30, 40, or 50 years later. But there's part of me that wants to sob when I hear these stories because they aren't as common anymore...even in pentecostal churches. Many of you follow my dad's postings on social media and in his own blog, and have noticed his constant talk of the need for a fresh move in our churches. I share in his desire to see a true revival sweep across our churches. Personally, I have found myself in a place where I desire simply to be in the presence of the Lord but find myself in services where I feel as if I'm pushing with all my might only to find myself pushing against a brick wall, with His glory on the other side.

What happened? Why is it that stories of all night meetings have ceased? Why don't we hear of droves of people being healed and delivered as the Holy Spirit settled into our churches?

I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me as if we no longer make our churches a place in which the Spirit is welcome to move as HE SEES FIT. "But Lindsey, we sing worship songs. We even say 'Lord, You are welcome here. Come be with us.'" That may all be true, but I have been in enough services in which those words were spoken, but when the Spirit began to manifest all you see are members looking over their shoulders to make sure there are no visitors there who will find it odd to know the church (body of Christ) has a problem.

It seems to me that a lot of Pentecostal churches are terrified that the neighbors will figure out that they are Spirit-filled. Why? First of all, if you are part of a congregation that quenches the Spirit, you probably don't need to worry too much about visitors showing up to begin with. Secondly, if on the off chance you have a visitor, you need to acknowledge that they are there because they are searching for something they couldn't find elsewhere. Pentecostals are peculiar. That's a fact. That's also what we were called to be in 1 Peter. I have heard conversations amongst church members after the Spirit moved in a service begin to discuss the demographics of the crowd that day. "So-and-so was raised baptist, it figures the day they visit this happens." What's your point? It occurs to me that our brothers and sisters in non-pentecostal Christian churches owe the same debt of gratitude to the Day of Pentecost that we do. You see, there's a reason Acts falls between the Gospels and the rest of the New Testament. If it weren't for the occurances of the second chapter, induing the participants with power and boldness, the Gospel would not have spread like it did. If it were not for Stephen being so full of the Holy Spirit when he was stoned then a young man who would later be called Paul may have not been so effected. If Paul had not been effected like he was, how would our history be different? Why should we be ashamed of the Holy Spirit who was so necessary in the spreading of the Gospel-yes, even to the Baptist, and the Methodist, and the Presbyterians, and anyone else who claims the Gospel for their own.

What's the big deal about being concerned about your visitor's comfort? The big deal is that it is foolish to believe we can be so ashamed of the Holy Spirit and still expect Him to manifest Himself in our services and our lives. Imagine I invite you to my home. I tell you to feel welcomed and ask you to settle in. But then when my neighbor stops by for a surprise visit, you suddenly aren't good enough to be my friend. I act totally ashamed of you, even going to my neighbor and trying to apologize for your behavior. Would you come back to be with me? Of course not! So why do we think we can disrespect the Spirit, by making excuses for what His presence means, and still expect Him to work among us?

I want nothing more than to see a revival in my church and in my generation. But until we stop being ashamed of the Spirit that sets us apart, I don't see how it will happen. My fear is that we become like the church at Ephesus. That we lose our first love. That we lose our desire for the fullness of His presence, and the result will be that found in Revelation 2-we will lose our lampstand.

Lord, convict us of being ashamed of your Spirit. Fall fresh on us, let us be the peculiar people You called us to be.

The 3 B's of Sympathy

Of all the responsibilities that fall on a minister, the one that I need the most help with is helping people who are sick or grieving. I can get up and preach a sermon no problem, I can sit and talk to someone about Jesus for hours, but to be in the room with someone who is crying over loss is hard for me. I attribute a big part of this to my time in healthcare. After a while of dealing with sickness and death you have to become numb to it because if you let it affect you, you'd never survive. But now that I have left that career for full time ministry, I've had to learn how to allow my heart to be sensitive again because the sympathy train left my station a long time ago.

I've noticed I'm not the only one who has problems in this area. Christians have a terrible habit of believing that we have to have an answer for everything. When we see someone in pain we feel like we have to say something to fix it, and we end up offering poor theology that doesn't really help, and makes us liars because what we meant to soothe is really misinterpretation of the Word. When someone suddenly dies, they say things like:

1. "Now they are your guardian angel." This is the big one that will make a lot of readers upset. Angels are created beings, you don't get promoted to angel when you die. I've never really understood how this is supposed to comfort hurting people. I would hate to think that my loved ones had to come back to earth and watch me when they could be in heaven.

2.  "The Lord knows what's best/This was part of His plan." This one (and the majority of words we speak in times of crisis) goes under the category of " it may be true, but it's stupid to say it out loud." Just because something is true doesn't mean it's necessary or beneficial at the time. Telling a young father that losing his wife to cancer was "God's will" has a much better chance of making him hate God than it does of making him trust in God. Words like this cause people to turn on this seemingly vengeful God who takes away the people we love.

3. "This is what happens when you____." These are the "I told you so" people. This is the statement we often hear when someone dies from drug abuse, alcoholism, and any other number of vices. We have a sad habit of turning these cases into cautionary tales instead of grieving for possibly lost souls. Last year a high-profile celebrity died of a drug overdose and I was broken hearted at the Christians who almost celebrated getting to say that she basically got what she deserved. True theology tells you that if WE ALL got what we deserved we would've been dead and in hell a long time ago, but grace stepped in.

The best advice my dad has ever given me regarding offering sympathy was to follow the 3 B's:

1. Be There: People may forget what you said (unless it was really stupid), but they won't forget that you were there in their time of need. The simple act of putting your schedule on hold to help them cope won't be forgotten.

2. Be Prayerful: We would save ourselves a lot of trouble if we would do what the bible actually tells us to do and prayed about everything, without ceasing. Pray for comfort, pray for strength, pray for wisdom, pray for words to say. And if He doesn't give you any words to say, for the good of everyone....

3. BE QUIET: We don't have to have an answer all the time. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply listen. It's our need to fill the uncomfortable silence that leads us to the shaky advice I shared above. If God didn't give you the words to say, don't start making up your own.