The 3 B's of Sympathy

Of all the responsibilities that fall on a minister, the one that I need the most help with is helping people who are sick or grieving. I can get up and preach a sermon no problem, I can sit and talk to someone about Jesus for hours, but to be in the room with someone who is crying over loss is hard for me. I attribute a big part of this to my time in healthcare. After a while of dealing with sickness and death you have to become numb to it because if you let it affect you, you'd never survive. But now that I have left that career for full time ministry, I've had to learn how to allow my heart to be sensitive again because the sympathy train left my station a long time ago.

I've noticed I'm not the only one who has problems in this area. Christians have a terrible habit of believing that we have to have an answer for everything. When we see someone in pain we feel like we have to say something to fix it, and we end up offering poor theology that doesn't really help, and makes us liars because what we meant to soothe is really misinterpretation of the Word. When someone suddenly dies, they say things like:

1. "Now they are your guardian angel." This is the big one that will make a lot of readers upset. Angels are created beings, you don't get promoted to angel when you die. I've never really understood how this is supposed to comfort hurting people. I would hate to think that my loved ones had to come back to earth and watch me when they could be in heaven.

2.  "The Lord knows what's best/This was part of His plan." This one (and the majority of words we speak in times of crisis) goes under the category of " it may be true, but it's stupid to say it out loud." Just because something is true doesn't mean it's necessary or beneficial at the time. Telling a young father that losing his wife to cancer was "God's will" has a much better chance of making him hate God than it does of making him trust in God. Words like this cause people to turn on this seemingly vengeful God who takes away the people we love.

3. "This is what happens when you____." These are the "I told you so" people. This is the statement we often hear when someone dies from drug abuse, alcoholism, and any other number of vices. We have a sad habit of turning these cases into cautionary tales instead of grieving for possibly lost souls. Last year a high-profile celebrity died of a drug overdose and I was broken hearted at the Christians who almost celebrated getting to say that she basically got what she deserved. True theology tells you that if WE ALL got what we deserved we would've been dead and in hell a long time ago, but grace stepped in.

The best advice my dad has ever given me regarding offering sympathy was to follow the 3 B's:

1. Be There: People may forget what you said (unless it was really stupid), but they won't forget that you were there in their time of need. The simple act of putting your schedule on hold to help them cope won't be forgotten.

2. Be Prayerful: We would save ourselves a lot of trouble if we would do what the bible actually tells us to do and prayed about everything, without ceasing. Pray for comfort, pray for strength, pray for wisdom, pray for words to say. And if He doesn't give you any words to say, for the good of everyone....

3. BE QUIET: We don't have to have an answer all the time. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply listen. It's our need to fill the uncomfortable silence that leads us to the shaky advice I shared above. If God didn't give you the words to say, don't start making up your own.