Lies We Believe: All Guys Are Jerks

I once watched a youth pastor tell a group of teenagers (guys and girls) that all guys are jerks. When one of the other adults in the room questioned him, the (male) youth pastor argued that this was the truth, that all guys were made that way. I think he was trying to warn the young women in the room that they should be cautious of young men's motives. I suppose this was his effort to be like a dad to these girls and look out for him. But as a former teenage girl, I knew how this comment was processed by the girls. It planted a seed that says "if all guys are the same, why should I hold out for a good guy? My leader just told me they don't exist."

My issue with his statement is two-fold:

1. This is an excuse for girls to allow themselves to be mistreated. I was once there. I thought all guys were the same, so I thought I should never set my sights on a better relationship. I thought all boyfriends made fun of their girlfriends and ran out to bars and strip clubs every time the girl's head was turned. I figured that was normal male behavior because, I too, was taught that "all young guys are jerks." When I met my almost husband, I was terribly confused. He was so nice and respectful. He never put me down, he respected my parents and their home. He didn't chose his rowdy friends over me and when I told him I had issues with things he did-he stopped doing them. He defended me and encouraged me in every way. It was all so clear to me-he must be hiding something! Anyone who is this nice to me must be doing it to cover for something he did! All guys are jerks, so this nice guy routine must be an act! I had allowed that thought to almost ruin something good in my life. When we allow male-bashing, we are killing the hope these girls have at finding a good man. It impacts them further than we realize.

2. This is an excuse for guys to be jerks. How many times have we heard "boys will be boys" when a young man does something that is truly inexcusable? To tell a young man that it is in his DNA to act in a disrespectful manner is to give him a license to sin. I Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." That's the problem with "boys will be boys", we aren't talking about boys, we are talking about young MEN. I'm sick of excuses being made for them to act like perpetual 5 year olds, doing as they please worrying only for their own needs. God is calling them to be more. He is calling them to mature into the young men who will lead our homes, churches, and nation. Speaking as a voice for young women, I'm begging you-stop excusing their behavior. The young women I am trying to pour into deserve more than a kid masquerading as an adult.

I do not believe all young men are jerks anymore than I believe that all young women are manipulative. Yes, there are some guys who will run around and disrespect you, but there are also guys who are fighting to be real men of God and it undermines what they are trying to do when we lump them all together.

Women, we have got to stop the man-bashing! It's unfair and it poisons the minds of our young ladies. I know it is easy to get into our hen circles and roll our eyes at how dumb men are sometimes, but it has consequences. Girls, don't give up hope that there is better for you out there. Don't settle for a jerk just because you hear women talk about how they were mistreated. It is quite possible that the reason they were trapped with jerks is because they bought into this lie too. There is nothing wrong with having standards for the way a man will treat you.

Having standards in a relationship is biblical. Ephesians 5:21-29 lays out standards in the marriage relationship when it says, "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church."

We often hear the standard that women are to submit, but somehow the part about the guys gets left out.  It is God's intention that the man you marry would love you so much that he would give his life for you. That means not only being willing to die for you, it means living for you as well. This passage tells us that in the same way Christ did what He had to do to make the church holy, the man should do what he has to in order for the woman to be holy. He will lead the relationship in a Godly manner, he won't pressure you into going against God's word, he will live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. It tells us that he should take care of the woman in the same manner he cares for himself.

You say, "but Lindsey, we aren't married, we are just dating." That may be true, but hopefully you aren't in a relationship with someone whom you could not see yourself marrying one day (that's a whole other blog), so you need to make sure that the person you are with could fulfill these requirements.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with having standards and I want you to know that those standards can be fulfilled! Not all guys are jerks, so you don't have to expect less because you've been told it's impossible to find a good guy. Don't let someone else's bitterness destroy reasonable expectations of a healthy, Godly relationship with a good man.