I have sat many youth groups in which we were told that if we had sex with someone before marriage then we ruined ourselves. We were made to feel like if we had sex we would be dirty with no hope of getting clean. We were told that pre-marital sex is throwing away "a gift for your future spouse." I know that at the heart of these statements, leadership was trying to tell us that God's plan is best and perhaps even scare us by telling us that there is no going back once we have taken those steps. While I don't blame leaders for these tactics, there is a consequence to those statements that they may not understand. They forget about the half of the room that has already engaged in sexual activity. They also don't leave room for redemption in the minds of those "good church girls" who will have sex in the future.
I know those youth pastors think that when these girls are in the back of a car they will hear their voice and stop in their tracks. They might. But when you address the issue of sex in this way, the girls who decide to have sex anyway will probably hear your voice the day, week, or year after they've had sex. In those times, when she realizes the relationship is in trouble and she needs to get out, she will think back and realize that according to you she's blown her chances at a good guy. She begins to feel like she needs to make things work with the wrong guy because no one else will want her.
Please know I'm not trying to tear ministry or abstinence teachings down. Far from it. I'm simply asking you to think about how these issues are addressed. Of course we should teach our girls AND guys to save themselves for marriage. That's God's plan, it's the only plan that works. I know that for many of you it seems crazy that a teenager would think like that. But trust me, as an ex-teenage girl, we don't think rationally.
So these are my words to the young people who have already had sex:
1. You are not ruined. This is the one that loomed over my head for years. We put ourselves under condemnation. Do you know what condemnation means? It means a sentence. Like a death sentence or a prison sentence. That's what we do. We think that because we gave in that that is the end of us. Unfortunately, too many churches contribute to this condemnation. Condemnation never comes from God, it is an attack of the enemy. Romans 8:1 tells us, "so now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." You are not the sum of your sins. There is more to you and you still have good things to offer. Once you have repented of your sin (asked forgiveness AND turned from it) there is no need to live in guilt. God forgave you, forgive yourself.
2. You are not doomed to a bad relationship. This falls in the "2 wrongs don't make a right" category. Church girls in particular have a tendency to think that if they can work things out with the guy they slept with it will make it ok. "If he becomes my husband then it's ok that we did that." Wrong! Even if you only sleep with one guy, he becomes your husband, and you are married for 50 years, it was still sin to have sex before you were married. There will still be consequence in your marriage because you disobeyed God's law. I once heard a minister say that one problem with pre-marital sex is that you become accustomed to sneaking around. You get addicted to the excitement of possibly being caught, once you are married that excitement goes away, and that's what leads many to cheat. I don't know about you, but I don't want to help my husband practice for being sneaky.
Unfortunately, many girls use the "we need to end up together to make this ok" solution as an excuse to stay in relationships with guys who are bad for them; physically, mentally, and obviously spiritually. It would be great for God to do a work in BOTH of you to where you could move past your bad decisions and walk in God's will together, but most of the time, someone in the equation doesn't want to change. If he decides not to turn towards God and His Word, then you should know that you don't have to be stuck with a bad guy just because you made a bad decision.
3. You can have a fresh start. In church we put a huge weight on being a virgin when we get married. Again, this is what's right, it is also possible if you work very hard. I remember getting a "True Love Waits" ring when I was 16. Inside the box was a paper that talked about the ability to be a "born-again virgin". It made me so mad! "How dare they say someone can get a new start after they had sex?! I'm living a perfect life and I don't get to do any of that...and they say these trashy girls get a fresh start?!" I was pretty judgmental...and then life happened. I thought I was missing out, the truth is I was missing out on disrespectful relationships, pregnancy scares, and feeling empty.
I Corinthians 5:17 says, "...anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" The person you used to be (as well as the person I once was) is dead. You can start new. Having to sit my now fiance down and tell him everything I had done in the past was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. My conditioning told me that he'd leave me because I was "ruined" or "trashy" for what I had done. Instead, he stayed with me. He committed to help me by not putting ourselves in tempting situations. Don't allow yourself to think that no one else will want you after what you've done. Yes, it was hard to tell my almost husband what I had done, but as a strong, Christian man he offered me the same grace and forgiveness that Jesus does. Of course he would have preferred I waited for him, but he loved me enough to move past it. You have just as much chance of finding a good man as the girls who saved themselves. Your options are not limited to staying with a jerk who brings you down or being forever alone.
You see, there are good guys out there, and you deserve one, even if you weren't always the best you could be. There is hope for your future regardless of your past. Once again, do not use any of these comments as excuses to have pre-marital sex because it is a sin for which there is no excuse. However, as with all sins, there is forgiveness if you ask for it.
IT IS BEST TO WAIT. That is God's plan and He made it His plan because it is what is best for you. But I want you to know that there is hope for you if you have already given in to pressure (or if you have pressured someone else). You are not a lost cause. Regardless of your past, through Christ you can be the strong, beautiful, SPIRITUAL woman He called you to be!
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